Silence around domestic violence hurts the next generation deeply
Drawing on insights from psychologists, religious scholars, and legal experts, this article puts the spotlight on girl children growing up in abusive homes. From the gaps in our enforcement systems to the cultural and religious narratives that keep women tethered to harmful marriages, the piece reveals how societal silence endangers the next generation and why breaking the cycle begins with protecting mothers and their children.
The cycle begins in childhood
"When children grow up around domestic abuse, their systems adapt to the chaos, making violence feel like a normal part of life," says Tarana Anis, Senior Child Psychologist at Evercare Hospital, Dhaka. Many even blame themselves for parental conflict. As they grow older, they step in–trying to fix their parents' relationship or becoming their mother's protector, often going to great lengths to keep her safe.
For all latest news, follow The Daily Star's Google News channel. Toddlers, pre-teens, and teenagers in such environments often develop depression, anxiety, mood or personality disorders, along with sleep issues that affect their studies and peer relationships. Some also exhibit behaviours like panic attacks, bed-wetting, stammering, lying or aggression, while others retreat into isolation through excessive social media or gaming.
Tarana Anis explains that girls often learn to equate love with suffocation, control and abuse. Mirroring what their mothers endured. This confusion around relationships can erode their self-esteem and self-image, leaving them consciously or unconsciously drawn to similar men as their fathers. Hence, some girls demonstrate fixer tendencies when their marriage is at stake, while others become the oppressor who abuses their husbands. In some extreme cases, one woman may even become the victim and the abuser as a result of maladaptive coping strategies.
Boys initially empathise with their mothers at an early age. However, as adults, they end up assuming the roles of their fathers even if he has been a dominating presence in their lives. This will gradually show up once he navigates adult relationships.
Ultimately, when boys and girls grow up, they consciously or unconsciously seek out those chaotic dynamics with partners, because they have internalised that trauma is a bond. This causes them to develop messy attachments with people.
In order to undo patterns learned at home, they must do a lot of emotional work. If they do not address their childhood baggage, their future relationships will bear the collateral damage. Therapy for children alone is not enough — the parent trapped in the cycle must also seek individual or couples counselling to restore safety at home.
Anis observes that in domestic violence cases, families and society often focus on protecting themselves, treating abuse as a private matter that doesn't warrant intervention. "We need proactive bystanders, not silent spectators, when children and women are suffering," she says.
A legal battle: The long road to freedom
According to Mahjabin Rabbani, Advocate of the Supreme Court, women can seek legal intervention against an abusive spouse under the Domestic Violence (Prevention and Protection) Act 2010. This law covers the well-being, safety, and security of boy and girl children along with their mothers.
If a woman is being abused by her husband, she's allowed to end it as per the Muslim marriage laws.
"She needs to take her kabin-nama, i.e., the marriage contract, to a Kazi office, along with two witnesses, to proceed with the divorce. However, social and cultural barriers, along with resistance from husbands and parents, and lack of financial independence force these women into staying in a marriage that has run its course," she says.
However, if a woman still wants to contest her circumstances, she can file a General Diary (GD) at the local station, informing them of her predicament. This GD acts as an investigation tool for domestic violence, for a later appeal to the Magistrate's Court. This will safeguard the women in case their husbands file a false case in an effort to stop the divorce.
Mahjabin Rabbani informs, "In such scenarios, the wife can submit a written statement on the dissolution of her marriage, mentioning children's custody and the personal belongings she's taking."
In circumstances where she's being pressured by her birth parents to return to her in-laws, the Prevention and Protection Act can also order family members to refrain from harassing her, even if she's living in the same space as them."
If they continue to violate the court-appointed suggestions, the complainant can draw their attention and have them arrested as ordered by the court.
Where child custody is concerned, mothers can appeal for a lawsuit to the family court. For this, you need to appeal under the Family Court Ordinance, 1985, which covers guardianship and custody for children.
"The law says that fathers are legal guardians of children, while the mother is the custodian. Mothers may get custody if their sons are seven years old and if their daughters are adolescents or unmarried. The court will assess which parent can ensure their child's welfare," says Rabbani.
However, if the child is still a minor, they may remain in the mother's custody. The father will be granted visitation rights during this time. Based on the children's lifestyle, the court will ask the father to provide a certain amount of child support every month. He is also to pay the financial security as outlined in the couple's marriage contract (kabin-nama)
Mahjabin Rabbani acknowledges that women in divorce and custody battles often struggle with trust issues after being failed by their families and society. Lawyers sometimes worsen the situation by pushing clients to file false dowry and child support cases.
"Many women seeking legal aid cannot proceed because their lawyers create false cases and they lack the resources to resolve them," she says. On top of this, the opposition can delay proceedings by skipping court dates, pushing hearings months ahead, and further hindering women from moving forward with their divorce.
What further adds fuel to this fire is the many false dowry cases filed by fellow women to end their marriages. However, this only makes matters more complex for actual abuse victims, who have to jump through many legal hoops to prove their honesty. In such situations, the real victims get dismissed in police stations, making it difficult to bring justice to the survivor.
Mahjabin Rabbani highlights that there are few child-protection mechanisms in our country. The One Stop Crisis Centre is a good initiative under the police reform. It provides first aid and legal support, and if expanded, it could have connected victims to law enforcement.
"Our government is yet to create an establishment that provides holistic solutions covering not just legal aid shelter but also psycho-social support. If we had these provisions, they could not only secure children, especially girls facing parental abuse, but also hold said parents accountable for their behaviours."
An enforcement system in dire straits
Faruq Hasan, a development worker and policy analyst, says the Domestic Violence (Prevention and Protection) Act 2010 is strong on paper, but those enforcing it fail to address the root causes of violence against women. Additionally, the lack of clarity in our police stations pushes women towards informal mediation, which excuses the abuse and ultimately hinders them from getting legal protection.
When a woman in Bangladesh tries to file a complaint for domestic violence, police often refuse and tell her to return later, usually after 'resolving' the issue with the very husband or in-laws who abused her.
The social stigma surrounding this process deters a lot of women from seeking justice, as returning to court frequently feels like multiple assaults. In the absence of family-friendly shelters, many women return to the same abusive home. Ultimately, keeping quiet becomes the norm as the abuser is often the bread-winner, so women retraumatise themselves by staying back.
Hasan says our country's enforcement mechanism can improve if urban and peri-urban areas ensure that at least five per cent of police officials are trained women officers. This would allow a woman victim to be received by someone who understands her situation and can explain her rights. He adds that police should be legally required to register domestic-violence complaints immediately. In case they do not, officers and stations must be penalised, giving victims grounds to sue the establishment.
Children cannot be an afterthought in these laws. Courts must become family-friendly, and child welfare centres must be established to act as surrogate homes in case the legal proceedings drag on for months or years. Here, children can continue their education and still maintain ties with relatives. Additionally, these centres should also provide victims with a basic livelihood so they can rebuild stability without returning to abusive husbands.
It is also the school authorities ' responsibility to act as surrogate guardians for children. "Aside from subject matters, teachers need basic training in recognising childhood trauma," Hasan explains.
This would help them spot when something is bothering children at home. Moreover, teachers should have the communication skills that enable children to confide in them about their household issues. If something serious is actually happening at home, the educators can at least alert the right authorities.
Hasan notices that our family systems are not very woman-friendly. While individual men can admit their faults, those in patriarchal structures function like a clan. This is present in our parliament and legislation, where there's a dearth of women representatives. When men do back women, it's usually those who reinforce their misogynistic interests. Thus, reminding us that the face of patriarchy is not always men.
"Men will tamper with the laws in a way which does not hold them accountable. Hence, mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law must break the cycle of abuse and offer support to the victims," he concludes.
Women's status in Islam: facts over fiction
More often than not, our patriarchal culture, coupled with misinterpretations of religious scriptures, propagates that women must wear suffering as a badge of honour. Even if it comes at the cost of her and her children's safety.
Syed Gulam Kibria, CEO, Al Azhar International Grammar School, is an Islamic scholar and a graduate of Islamic Theology from Al Azhar University, Cairo. He believes that many South Asian cultures, including Bangladesh, have inherited patriarchal traditions that often contradict the Quran's teachings. Over centuries, male-dominated social systems replaced Quranic values with cultural norms, often falsely justifying it as 'tradition' or 'honour'. Thus, restricting women's rights and justifying spousal dominance in the name of protection. Ultimately, overshadowing the Prophet Mohammad's (SWT) model of mercy and mutual respect with cultural control.
If read honestly, the Quran restored women's inheritance and consent rights, prohibited forced marriages, protected women's dignity and reputation and made mutual respect the foundation of marriage. "Therefore, any system, cultural or legal, that degrades women, silences their voice, or normalises abuse is not Islamic, even if it exists in a Muslim-majority society.
Children raised in abusive homes suffer lasting trauma. Islamic law prioritises their safety and moral upbringing. The scholar recommends women in abusive marriages to seek safety first, as Islam does not ask them to stand in harm's way. They must consult trusted family members, imams, or women's rights advocates, as many Islamic scholars now support women's shelters and safe separations.
Azhari says to request 'khula' or legal divorce if reconciliation is impossible. More importantly, protect their children as our Prophet Mohammad (SWT) said, raising children with justice is an act of faith. Islam does not ask women to submit to relationships that are detrimental to their well-being.
Azhari says that religious leaders can emphasise that protecting women and children is part of taqwa, which translates to being conscious of God. Also, helping victims is an act of sadaqah (charity) and being a silent spectator to oppression is a sin.
He also urges scholars, leaders and families to teach that true manhood is mercy. That's when cultural excuses for violence lose legitimacy. They must educate communities that abuse contradicts faith. It is also essential to support victims through justice, counselling, and protection and challenge cultural customs that equate male dominance with piety.
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