Man faces existential crisis as internet brawls fall to zero

The grass is green on both sides. The birds chirp in unison and there appears to be no traffic jam in Bijoy Sarani. For others, however, hell has spawned right before their eyes. They see the smear of dirt even when they touch the grass. Their cacophony only induces pain.

"And there they were, just agreeing with each other," says Toukir.

A survey conducted by the Department of Hatred over Technology (DHET) revealed a ground-breaking discovery. By surfing through the profiles of Elon Musk fanboys, holocaust deniers, and those who comment "Messi OR Ronaldo" on your posts regardless of what it's about, the researchers caught no sight of disagreement. The phenomenon was thought to be extinct.

Keyboards no longer appear to be the source of mass inconsequential consequences. Instead, they have become the tools to spark Socratic dialogue. People are more interested in others' points of view without immediately deeming them invalid.

"We thought we missed something during research. In the initial stages, the study seemed like a complete waste of time but after accumulating enough data by means that might or might not be classified as a breach of privacy, there was some hope," said the Head of Conflict Specialist at DHET.  

Misinformed moral policing, petty fights about sports and even personal attacks on strangers have come to a halt. While the sky appears to be blue on the World Wide Web, it isn't so bright for others.

"I have this hilarious GIF of a man feasting on popcorn, snickering at a monitor. I can't even look at the GIF anymore because everyone managed to invent the correct way to pronounce 'GIF'. Either way, they're all wrong. It's pronounced GIF," he continued.

When inquired about how else he would contribute to a conversation apart from laughing at both sides and spamming GIFs, Toukir appeared bewildered.

"Contributing? To a conversation? By developing points of my own?" Toukir asked. He almost stumbled upon an important epiphany before losing his train of thought, quickly shaking his head to snap out of it.

Toukir now spends his days reading old comments, pondering about the misery of life and what it means, and occasionally disagreeing with people on the internet. His efforts are futile.

Toukir is not the only one who has been affected. An entire industry has started to face the effects of internet brawls ceasing to exist. With reported losses over the past two quarters, and revenue unlikely to pick up anytime soon, popcorn producers are afraid it is time to close up shop.

"I understand that a group of sadists kept me and my family afloat but people losing jobs isn't funny. Sure, those employees have moved on to better positions with more fulfilling roles but what about me?" says Bisho F Rahman, CEO of Bibad Industries.

Toukir wails. He affirms that people need to channel their true primitive selves and truly encapsulate Diogenes' spirit.

"Step into the spotlight with a plucked chicken and claim that it is a man. What's stopping you?" 

Abir Hossain is a failed SoundCloud Rapper. Tell him you too can't find anything to rhyme oranges with at: fb/abir.hossain.19