‘Tired of playing hide and seek with myself’

"My mother would always tell me I was smart and 'different' and explained that others wouldn't accept this difference and so I shouldn't get out of the house much."

— Oalid Islam

A BCS cadre with the lucrative position of a diplomat, it may look as though Oalid Islam's life has few problems.

However, the story of Oalid, who was born a "third-gender person", is riveting, heartbreaking and inspiring all at once.

He identified himself as a third-gender person publicly for the first time on a Facebook post a week ago.

Speaking to this correspondent, Oalid asked to be addressed as "bhaiya (brother)", as that is what he has been used to having tried to fit into the mould of a man his entire life.

When it comes to gender identity, he prefers "third gender", "common gender", or Hijra, though he admits he did not grow up as part of the Hijra community.

Growing up in poverty as the son of a trucker in Jashore, Oalid's gender identity had been kept a secret. His family went to great lengths to protect him from the bullying that would inevitably follow if people found out.

"I grew up in a small house with lots of siblings. My mother would always tell me I was smart and 'different' and explained that others wouldn't accept this difference and so I shouldn't get out of the house much. My brothers would teach me the body language of a man. I used to like putting henna on my hands and they told me not to. Though my family was extremely poor, they made sure to send me to the best school in the area.

"They took various measure to ensure I could avoid unnecessary interactions with people. When I did go out, people on the streets would taunt me, call me 'half ladies', throw things at me or snatch away my possessions."

In the limited confines of his home, however, Oalid's world grew. Inspired by his mother, he learned to sing, draw, and write.

He would win dancing, singing, poetry recitation, and drawing competitions in district and division levels. However, his family felt unsafe sending him to the national stage, not knowing what sort of people he would be exposed to.

Oalid's merit would further broaden his world soon, as brilliant results in SSC and HSC exams were followed by enrollment into the pharmacy department of Jahangirnagar University.

Initially in JU, Oalid faced all manner of bullying. Yet, like he said a few times throughout the interview, "there are good and bad people everywhere". He met his good people on the JU campus.

Many of Oalid's friends, roommates, seniors and juniors in JU knew his third gender identity and their love for him meant they easily accepted this important detail.

"Those close to me would tell me, 'To a child, it doesn't matter if its mother has all the problems in the world, the child still loves the mother. It doesn't matter who you are, Oalid, we will always love you'," he said.

His successes in life were celebrated by his loved ones, but also rubbed others the wrong way.

He remembers the story of a particular neighbour who tried hard to become an obstacle after his success in the 35th BCS exam.

"For police verification, a teacher in my area was approached, who told the police that as patriots, they should not allow a Hijra to become a diplomat. He said, 'The son of a truck driver could only sell the country down the river, so the police should write a negative report'. Today, I am grateful to that police officer for not listening to that man."

Oalid's personal life too has faced dramatic upheaval because of his gender identity.

He spoke about an eight-year long relationship and how the two families had agreed to their marriage with the condition of his sex reassignment surgery. However, after the surgery faced complications and Oalid's subsequent diagnosis of colon cancer, his fiancé back out from the marriage.

The trials of Oalid Islam may have broken many, but for 34 years, he has endured it with utmost courage.

That begs the question, why did he decide to speak out now?

In the Facebook post where Oalid revealed his gender identity for the first time, he said, "I am Bangladesh's first cadre officer of the third gender, and the world's first third gender diplomat. I am tired of playing hide and seek with myself."

In his conversation with The Daily Star, he added, "I am not looking for sympathy. I only wanted to reveal my identity. An identity crisis is one of the worst things that can happen to someone."

Speaking to Oalid, one gets the sense that this is a person whose life experiences have made him fully aware of his own humanity, despite people's stares and sneers.

In his post, he said as much: "Every third gender person is a human. You are the ones who behave with them like dogs. We have our own personalities. You are the ones who see us as devoid of personalities."