Child sexual abuse: When home is also not a safe place

Sexual abuse can be the most traumatising experience a child has to go through. The memory of how helpless they felt, to be too young to raise their voices haunts them for the rest of their lives; it affects them negatively in the short and long terms. It is a common misconception that a child can be sexually harassed only by a stranger. The words 'home' and 'family' might not be as safe as they sound because sexual abuse starts at home, and most often, from a person children know and trust.

In a conversation with Laila Khondkar, an international development worker, we got some valuable insights on child sexual abuse that occurs within the family.

The current scenario

INCIDIN Bangladesh and Manusher Jonno Foundation (MJF) revealed in a survey titled 'Violence against children in Bangladesh' (May 2020-June 2021), that 55 per cent of the children are being sexually harassed by their families, out of which, boys are more likely to be the victims than girls with the figures being 60 and 50 per cent respectively.

Among these child victims, 61.7 per cent did not inform their parents or guardians because of shame and fear, and 52.7 percent did not realise at the time that they were being sexually harassed as they were too young to comprehend the gravity of the situation.

Parents get so busy protecting their children from the outside world that they forget about the perpetrators close by, the relatives and family friends who have regular access to their house, who their children are exposed to. That paedophile uncle or cousin or parent's friend exercising their right as a family member and touching a child inappropriately in the name of love is a recurrent story of almost every household in our country.

Responsibilities of parents

Laila Khondkar emphasises on the responsibilities of parents to protect their children from sexual abuse. According to her, parents need to be very careful that a child is not alone with anyone except parents and siblings, may it be a very close relative or anybody they trust.

Moreover, they also need to be vigilant about any changes in behaviour like lack of appetite, sleeplessness, mood changes, violent behaviours, etc. which might indicate that the child is experiencing some problems in his/her life. Parents should observe if the child wants to avoid a particular person, find out the reason and must not force the child to interact with him/her.

Khondkar further makes it clear by saying — "Parents should not prompt the child to cuddle, kiss, or sit on relatives' and friends' laps. Instead, they should ask if this is something s/he would like to do. A healthy parent-child relationship is crucial for preventing child sexual abuse."

The relationship between a parent and a child should be friendly enough that the child does not hesitate to talk about anything making him/her uncomfortable, whether it be an inappropriate touch or something someone said. If a child is intimidated by his/her parents and does not have enough faith in them, the child will never be able to speak about the abuse and hence receive no help. Parents must also inform their children that they have the right to say 'no' if someone does or wants to do something with their body that they do not want, even it is someone they like. 

We live in a society where the typical response of people after a sexual harassment case is victim-blaming. We love to character assassinate the victims and blame them to the point that even they start to question themselves. This can be worse when it comes to children because they may not be matured enough to understand the situation and the society's truth becomes theirs. Therefore, the first thing that parents must do after hearing about the abuse is to make their children understand that they did nothing wrong and it is the abuser who is to be blamed for what happened.

"They must listen to the child with attention, trust the child, control their own emotions, and should not support the perpetrators.

If needed, medical, counselling, and legal services should be offered to the child," says Khondkar. Parents need to make their children realise that they did the right thing by informing them about the incident.

"Doing something that the child may feel bad, expressing annoyance or fear, underestimating the incident or taking the side of the perpetrator are all very traumatic and negative for the child", says Khondkar.

Laila Khondkar also stresses that strict actions need to be taken by parents to ensure that the victim does not have to see the predator again, that is, no matter how close the predator is to the family, s/he should be banned from the house or any other family function as not to further torment the victim by triggering the memory of abuse. Not only that, other parents in the family should be made aware of this incident so that they can protect their children from going through a similar abuse.

There are still many cases where the children stay silent due to the fear of being accused of breaking the family apart and they grow up carrying that painful memory which makes their skin crawl and stomach turn. Even in cases where the victims muster the courage to inform their parents about it, the parents stay silent due to the same fear. It is high time parents acknowledge the fact that predators are not entitled to forgiveness just because they are family. Parents can only do this when they prioritise the feelings of their own children over society's opinions.

Sex education and responsibilities of teachers

When asked about the role of sex education, Khondkar informs us that according to researches, sex education cannot directly eradicate the issue of child sexual abuse. She provides examples of developed countries where despite sex education being a part of the curriculum, child sexual abuse persists. However, comprehensive sex education is still necessary as it can spread awareness about the importance of consent in relationships, sexual and reproductive health and rights, safe sex etc. Sex education is designed to help young people acquire knowledge about sexual behaviour that can eventually lead them to make informed and healthy decision in life.

Alongside parents, teachers also have a key role to play in protecting children from sexual abuse and its aftereffects. The duty of a teacher is not limited to disseminating knowledge. They need to be attentive to the students and observe any changes in their behaviour; receiving poorer marks, attention deficiency, inability to socialise with the peers, etc., and come froward to help them. Of course, teachers are not professionals in such matters, so their next step after identifying the issue is to get them introduced to someone who is a counsellor. In addition, the parents must also be informed.

This may however not be possible in the context of Bangladesh, as educational institutions in our country are more concerned about academics than the emotional well-being of students. Due to this rigid mindset, we lack behind a lot when it comes to tending to their mental health. Even the most renowned schools in Bangladesh are unable to provide proper counselling to their students. The result? More suppressed trauma.

This system needs to change if we want to create a safer place for children. Every educational institution must have a councillor to cater to the students' mental health. It is necessary to understand that students will excel only when they are healthy, both physically and mentally.

Therapy to heal

The after-effect of sexual abuse leaves a deep scar within the child, altering their personality and shattering their confidence for a lifetime. Losing trust in people, inability to express emotions, anger issues, depression, being uncomfortable with intimacy, nightmares, alcohol or substance abuse, youth suicides, etc. are all the consequential effects of child sexual abuse and they stay post-adulthood if not taken care of at an early age. Therefore, treatment is of paramount importance to heal the trauma of abuse for a mentally and physically healthy future of the victim.

It, however, becomes difficult to get help from a professional when the concept of mental health is still stigmatised in our society. Again, Laila Khondkar believes that it is the duty of the parents/guardians to encourage them to get therapy and support them in realising their potential rather than caring about society's opinions.

Mutual respect

Lastly but most importantly, mutual respect among human beings regardless of gender is vital for an abuse-free nation. It is important to understand that mutual respect does not mean being nice to each other; it involves respecting each other's feelings, opinions, dreams and aspirations, capabilities, flaws, and accepting each other as human beings despite differences.

Photo: Manusher Jonno Foundation (MJF)