Tobacco company angered as low air quality makes their products useless

In a joint statement signed by Churut International (CI), tobacco companies expressed their disappointment at the rapidly deteriorating air quality in Dhaka and adjacent areas of the country.

On Wednesday, a press conference was held in the palatial headquarters of CI, where journalists were laughed at and ridiculed for their meagre pay by a group of employees for the tobacco company, who had all recently returned from a vacation in Dubai. After it was sufficiently established that not working in the tobacco industry is the biggest professional mistake an educated individual could make, Shahzada Cigarsson, CEO of CI, read from a prepared statement and answered questions.

"Our products have been around for centuries for those who are sick and tired of breathing in fresh natural air and want something a little spicier for their lungs. But for the last couple of decades, we have noticed that the difference between the air that is naturally available and the fumes that come out of the ends of our death sticks is rapidly diminishing. This is an existential threat to our trade and we will not accept it," he said.

A presentation was shown at the press conference where it was shown that the city's air quality index (AQI) is one of the worst on the planet, and prolonged exposure to it can severely damage internal organs.

"Damaging internal organs is OUR job," Shahzada Cigarsson cried out and interrupted the presentation. "We massively overpay hundreds of BBA graduates every month to make sure that this job is done right. But with this AQI problem, our Universal Graduates™ are left helpless. Why would anyone choose to smoke if taking a walk around town has the same effect?"

As a solution to this industry threatening problem, CI announced a campaign focused on improving the air quality of the city. "For every packet of cigarettes of any brand -- even the cheap ones -- sold, we will plant one tree. In this way, we intend to create a positive change in society where even the act of smoking might help the environment," the CEO said.

In his closing remarks, Cigarsson said, "For centuries, the tobacco industry has been at the forefront of innovation. From solving the European labour crisis with the Transatlantic Slave Trade to pioneering the practice of using industry-sponsored research in false advertisements during the 1950s and 60s, we have shown time and again that we only have the best interests of society in our hearts. Now that air pollution is something we have set our eyes upon, the world better brace itself for what's about to hit them. I can guarantee that this will be something we talk about for decades to come."