Of funny bones and wrongly wired heads

It was my cousin's wedding. The perfect setting for disastrous meetings between the Aunty gang and poor, hapless unmarried lasses. Cue Grandmother Z, who I've hardly met four times in my lifetime, with her "Bushra, how are you? You've gained weight haven't you?" My immediate response happened to be a (genuine) smile with "Oh yes, my parents have been feeding me well." I left after she was unresponsive for a few seconds.

My friends know my default state is that of sarcasm. But at that time I actually had gained weight. Even so my quip above wasn't necessarily snarky. I did mean what I said, albeit with a tinge of humour. This side of mine, the wit and humour, was something that I actively cultivated over the years. There are only so many things that an out-of-shape, dark-skinned girl in her late twenties can accomplish in this country (definitely not a husband though). More so when she has to deal with issues like anxiety.

It would be a safe bet to assume that some might have stiffened up a bit reading the last line. Mental health matters tend to have that effect on the general masses. Despite the recent discussions and awareness, it remains a taboo for people to speak freely about their condition, let alone with an air of hilarity. And a lot of it has to do with the nature of the conversations, and the notions of the people having them.

Be it physical or mental, all issues that are different from the assumed state of normalcy are seen as the same—a disability. As with all issues related to disabilities, people, especially those not having the said disabilities, are warier of discussions pertaining to the topic. The chances of upsetting a person suffering from an ailment and coming off as blasé and rude are high. Hence the default state has remained that disabilities are not to be joked about. Mental health issues bear the great brunt of this embargo with the existing stigma as the baseline.

The sentiment is noble indeed, to essentially not be insensitive. But the extent to which it was stretched far exceeds the nobility. People become stoic in their interactions. Any conversation on mental health either happens in the form of seminars and awareness programmes, or in the counsellor's chambers. There even the professionals don this serious persona where they're interacting robotically. Yes, many people are already uncomfortable with their mental issues, but these interactions further drive them to actively hide themselves or remain mum. This leaves no room for people like Nandita to be truly free despite being open about her diagnosed obsessional phobia. She tells me how she tries to break the ice and discuss the topic by making small jokes about her visiting counsellors. "People themselves get offended, that how dare I make fun of (my own!) condition. Whereas it's just a way for me to just be okay with myself."

Humour is in essence just that. The best form of acceptance of oneself and their environment. Studies and references can be given here that highlight the therapeutic nature of it, but that really isn't required. The serious tone of the studies defeats the purpose of the topic itself. No one actively jokes about something keeping in mind how "beneficial it is to my mind, body and soul". It makes them feel good. It happens to make others feel good, which just enriches the experience tenfold. And if it serves as an outlet for people to accept whatever unpleasantness they are being subjected to in the form of a legitimate and life-long battle with their mental state, then even better.

Yakub happens to have good experiences with his friends whenever he's in the mood to re-enact how he used to deal with simple physical interactions when his OCD was at its peak. "We'd have a riot. I'd show how I'd make faces and exaggeratingly wipe my hands on my t-shirt repeatedly if I'd accidently grazed by another person. My friends are okay with it, since they know that I'm comfortable with joking about my condition."

That's an approach many suffering from mental health related issues avoid. The general masses do not have a clear understanding on the true manifestations of the various forms of mental disorders, having whatever little knowledge they possess being tinged with false information and hearsay. With some reports citing a prevalence of one out three people in Bangladesh having a mental disorder, very few can say they actively know of people having one. Hence when they do interact with someone, especially when the condition is talked about in a tone under laced with humour, they're caught off-guard. And the person joking gets uncomfortable because of the recipient's reaction. A stalemate situation ensues.

I make it a point that my friends and family know of my anxiety attacks related to stage fright. From initial years of lousy university presentations to my latest choking up on stage in front of foreign dignitaries, I've experienced quite a bit of unpleasantness. Despite actively working as a trainer for various workshops. It's easy to get sympathy from people, but empathy needs to be cultivated. I tell all of my friends about how it happens, and what exactly I experience when such episodes happen. Most importantly I tell them that it's okay for them to be frank and casual about my phobia, because I'm okay with it myself. It's because they have an understanding of my situation and know how to interact with me, that they are truly acceptable of me now, including my crass jokes. And I garnered the courage to open up since almost everyone who have had witnessed my freezing had actively supported and cheered me on. That needed to amount to something.

To those who are still coming to terms with their own mental health, give humour a shot. Sarcasm, wit, comic, satire, or even sexual. It doesn't obliterate our problems. But the light-heartedness one experiences when accepting their situation with a hint of glee can relieve the distress. And the prospect of strengthening one's camaraderie with others would be a good addition.

Bushra Adel is the Programme Director of Identity Inclusion, a programme geared towards countering mental health stigma and promoting community based services and inclusion of people with psychosocial disability.