The don'ts when asking a guy out

Want to seem like a modern woman in today's dating scene? Then you'll want to do it right, and by 'right' I mean 'not horribly wrong'.

Don't offer to pay him money. Men are creatures of pride. First you must wear down his defences by throwing peanuts at him. This will effectively emasculate him by both reminding him of the monkey he saw at the zoo and of his salary as a private tutor. Then when he's at his nadir and thinks he can't do any better than you, ask him out.

Don't use the death of a family member as an excuse to get close. Although this has been shown to be largely successful, he might just think you're trying to replace said family member. This is an easy way to get sister–zoned, daughter-zoned, mother-zoned, grandmother-zoned or creepy-aunt-that-doesn't-respect-my-privacy-zoned.

Don't follow him on the way to school with your gang. Studies have shown that this is more likely to scare your potential mate. If you're still determined to use your gang then you must dress them up in banana costumes. There hasn't been any research linking banana costumes to scared little boys so you're good to go.

Don't scribble your number and a personalised note on each cubicle of the guys' restroom at his school. Maybe he is a clean-freak and is afraid to enter public restrooms without an exorcist in accompaniment. I mean, how would you know? It's not like you've gone out with him or anything. And if you do that, you never will.

Don't write his name on your forearm with a toothbrush and post a picture on Facebook tagging him. Guys do not like to be asked out online and it doesn't speak too well for your confidence either. Rejection online lasts forever because there's always that one person taking screenshots to remind you of your failings.

Don't leave a flower at his doorstep, then a branch, and then an entire tree. Don't Trojan Horse your way indoors via the tree. Don't reveal yourself at an opportune moment once indoors then cite an obscure law saying he has to take you out now. Don't leave a watermelon at his doorstep either, as they go bad in the heat.

As long as you follow these guidelines you can't go wrong. Just talk to him, ask him out. After a couple of dates, if things are going well, you might get what you wanted and he might make lunch for you. Don't forget to always use condiments.