Humour

The Cup that doesn’t Count

AANTAKI RAISA

On the first hour of April 1, 2011, an (un-)friendly cricket match took place between the 'Outlandish Bangladesh 11' and the 'Exotic World 11' at the temporary cricket ground on the Arial Beel (yes, as a compensation to the tension created due to the controversial decision of building an airport there, the government decided to give the inhabitants of Arial Beel area the privilege of 'hosting' the 'much awaited' cricket match). Both teams fought hard to win the 'I Get All the Oil Reserves' cup. Following are the highlights of the rather interesting cricket match.

Outlandish Bangladesh 11 (OB11) won the toss and chose to ball on the bouncy wicket of the Arial Beel. But, being a responsible team captain of the Exotic World 11 (EW11), Barack Obama asked the three umpires, Ban Ki-moon (GS, The UN), Robert B. Zoellic (President, The World Bank) and Dominique Strauss-Kahn (MD, IMF), whether they wanted to jeopardise their relationships with the United States. As a result, the captain of OB11, Sheikh Hasina, changed her decision and 'chose' to bat first.

The match was a match of many firsts- the first midnight match, having Khaleda and Hasina on the same team after 1990, the first match that showed that Bush and Laden were playing on the same team and the first international cricket match dedicated to celebrate the April fool's Day.

With the increasing world population and the decreasing natural resources winning the 'I Get All the Oil Reserves' cup was important for both teams and they threw all the power they had to win the cup. Before the match began, tension gripped the EW11 camp as confusion arose on which nation or which institution would really get hold of the cup. OB11 team and their supporters, on the other hand, seemed quite relaxed as the supporters knew that no matter who wins, they- the citizens of Bangladesh- will never get hold of the 'cup' and the team was under no pressure as they were quite experts at dividing the wealth amongst themselves despite all their differences and even if they were defeated, there is always the 'obey and benefit' policy for them when the West has the upper hand.

The OB11 innings started with a not-so-strong opening partnership between Hasina and Muhit. Despite all objections, Hasina wanted to open the innings as she thought she deserved it more than anyone else. Muhit, on the other hand, wanted Yunus to open the innings with him but after learning about Hasina's wish, he submitted to the captain's decision. The partnership didn't go well and Muhit scored a golden duck. When Yunus came on the field, there was a good display of batting as both batters competed to prove themselves better than each other. Mubarak and Gaddafi were the opening bowlers for team EW11. Though Hosni bowled two good balls to Yunus to get him out, Obama as the keeper and Clinton in the slip dropped catches and gave Yunus multiple lifelines. But at one point Gaddafi threw his trade-mark 'kill'em all' Yorker and got Yunus bowled. Yunus scored a noble half century. Next in the line was Moudud but he refused to bat with Hasina and got 'timed out'. Then came Zia. Hasina and Zia seemed invincible together. Later on a press conference both admitted that, the record-breaking partnership came more out of mutual jealousy rather than out of team spirit. However, being blown away by the two batswomen, Obama changed the bowling and brought in Zuckerberg. Unfortunately, Zuckerberg didn't know that he had to be present in person to bowl and he couldn't bowl via live teleconferencing. Obama then tried Musharraf, Laden, Bush and Abdullah but nobody could get either of the batswomen out. Ahmedinejad wanted to bowl but Obama didn't want to give him any chance to be a hero. Finally, Assange was brought in action. Before starting to bowl, he whispered something to Zia and Zia immediately left the field and was declared out. Assange later told the press that he just said to Zia that her make-up was wearing off.

Next came Huda and he got out in a similar manner by Assange; only this time the whisper was about Huda not knowing the real story behind the match and he would know it only if he walks out. Being an expert at 'walking out' from the parliament, he gracefully got himself walked out. Assange was on a hat-trick when Ershad came in for batting and Assange did it again. Well, this time, he didn't whisper; he loudly asked Ershad whether he wanted his personal affairs go public and Ershad walked out and the cricket history got its first-ever walk-out hat-trick.

After Assange's hat-trick Obama seemed relaxed; Hasina's tiresome run between the wickets with Eskew Chy made him even more confident. Suddenly Obama had a brilliant idea and decided to make Musharraf bowl for the next over. Musharraf started bowling and screamed that he was the only one who wanted the Bangladeshis to forget 1971; Eskew Chy, being overwhelmed with emotion left the crease and Mosharraf's ball hit the stumps and OB11 was 277/7. Hasina had promised both Shalom and Rahman that they would be 'specially benefited' if they contributed to the winning, hence Shalom started batting like a professional. The partnership was going so well that Obama and Clinton got really upset and worried. Obama tried to give another magical speech but was thwarted by Ahmadinejad. When all was looking good for OB11, someone leaked the deal-story and Obama offered Shalom and later Salmon to give them double of what Hasina had promised, if they got out. So, OB11 was 303/9 and Hasina was 170 not out.

The two teams warming up during the practice match.

It was a bowling pitch and such a huge score seemed impossible to chase. Obama was on the verge of being the villain who led a team that caused the West to lose hold of the 'I Get the Oil Reserves' cup. Upset and frustrated, he went to Bush for advice. Bush looked at the following batsman for OB11 and he saw Nizami coming. Bush smiled and said, “You don't have to worry now. Nizami will never let his own team win.” And that's what happened. Nizami got Hasina run out and team OB11 forfeited as all the other team members were reportedly poisoned, then hospitalised and were unable to bowl. And thus EW11 won the 'I Get All the Oil Reserves' cup.