Oddest jobs ever

You may have heard of Discovery Channel's “Dirty Jobs”, where they showcase ways of earning a fast buck by doing really weird jobs. Well, we have cooked up our own version of this show, except with a twist: in light of the fact that people are worried about the outcome of their examination results and how their futures might get screwed up, these jobs require no or negligible educational qualifications.

Work for the Rising Stars as Staff Writer: - No, seriously, they accept anyone and everyone! You have an extra limb or can perform cartwheels? Welcome aboard, chief!

Get behind the wheel as Driver: All you need is a phony license, and you are in! Get in the car, and drive over everything like there's no tomorrow. People will think you are a natural.

Become a Doorman/Liftman for a posh building: - Oh, sorry this requires you to learn to greet “Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening” as per time of day or learn numbers. That's way too much pressure on your brains, right fellas?

Guys, buy a Rickshaw: - Likewise driving, you need to procure a preferably phony license. Additional skills would include spitting saliva bullets, avoiding potholes and tying lungis in the middle of a gridlocked road. Come on, you guys are not that dumb, right?

Girls, your Mom could hire a Maid: - Guys could work here as well. All you need is to differentiate between the broom and the mop, the toilet cleaner and the washing detergent and that's about it. Oh, resilience towards your mom's comments about your lack of performance (and your speed compared to that of a snail) is strongly urged.

Be a dog-walker: - Dogs may be a man's best friend, but they can also help you in generating a bit of cash as well. Request your fancy neighbour (not your parents, since you pet is your responsibility) to hire you as their official Dog Companion.

Become a stereotypical politician: - You knew this was coming. Politics in Bangladesh is a wonderful career approach for the uneducated masses, right? Get yourself inducted into any one of the leading parties as a prominent candidate, or float your own “party” (ragtag group of goons hired on the hour like yourself) using a pictoral symbol based on anything mundane (maybe polyethene bags, albeit being banned). As far as contacts are concerned, you need to know a printer to print those flyers and get a guy to install an obsolete audio system for you to bark (literally) in as part of your campaign “speeches”.

Well, I would have loved to blurt further myself, but I am busy you see. I have a job interview as a liftman for this hotel, and I have to practice my numbers. What comes after 3, again?

By Wahid T. Khan

Spoof Review

Of letters, notes, blogs, SMSs

Sometime back, this reviewer took the liberty of reviewing an accounting textbook, much to the chagrin of science nerds and accounting students who all thought the subject had been done injustice. Apparently it deserved more venom and should be treated like the 'Do-It-Yourself-Witching' books were treated like back in the Inquisition.

This week, though, we take to reviewing things, which are strictly not bound by the erm… bounds of a book. Mostly because the author happens to be a lot of people… which is kind of hard to really review. Mostly because it's not really a book on review. But hey, I gotta try right?

Tired with reading books, and because there is generally a lack of basic IQ wielding individuals with the patience to survive a book, the reviewer has decided to review common material. In other words drivel. Literature aficionados will cringe but you can't win em all right?

First off, we will talk about letters. Sure they're outdated, outmoded and in general considered to be toilet wipe. But letters still hold a place in the hearts of love struck fools who think passing a chitty in the math class is oh so romantic. The writing of these little non-messages tend to be overly flowery, you may come across juvenile poetry comparing the average broad to the Nile. Although how that works out escapes the reviewer. The author generally is a person who has just discovered girls are cool. Forgive him, he's trying. Theme, style, mood, all these things are devoid in this form of writing, but you will manage to hurl at the sheer kissy kissy lovey dovey.

Second, we come to notes. Facebook notes. Well, this is a fairly new phenomenon. A man can't sleep without waking up to find that 93 of his friends have all written about 25 things they hate, and if you multiply that's 2325 things to hate just by associating with those people.

If you aren't the hating type, these notes will be somewhat troublesome for you because you might actually find things to hate (oh no, not from the lists, you might just start hating the friend who started it all, because if you don't read through 'em all you ain't no friend of mine!) Apparently these notes work through the tagging syndrome where a person who has just posted a “25 Things I Couldn't Care Less About” would like know about your 25 things you don't care about.

How this adds to friendship this reviewer can't figure out. In terms of writing, the authors have tried truly to copy quite religiously that author who wrote about that glittering vamp who's name I couldn't care less about (it's on my list, read up).

This says a lot about the writing in general. You will occasionally find misquotes from Shakespeare. In terms of content, it's myriad and quite frankly bewildering. You might find yourself wondering why you're reading up on your friend's gerbil's 25 most loved gerbil TV characters.

Thirdly, we come to blogs. Sprawling all over the net are so many people chronicling so much of their life that's its sometimes mindboggling that you just didn't know about that stranger from Canada who had his fifth and last cardiac arrest. He managed to update his blog though.

The reviewer, unaware of the immensity of this community just looked in and found his own distant relationship grandma was talking about how her grandkids didn't talk to her. Umm… In terms of writing, the content can be either rambling descriptive updates about doing today's laundry or short concise statements about how one felt cleaning up after that darn dog.

The quality of the writing may differ from person to person but the tone remains the same, one of utter and desolate desperation to find someone, anyone who would take an interest in the mundane that is the life lived by millions. The realisation brought tears to the reviewer's eyes because he had been staring at the screen too long.

Fourthly, we come to SMSs. Granted the most widely spread, almost epidemic of the writings on review today. Small short, but definitely not sweet. Although some may give you tooth cavity through the sheer mangled-ness of the English in it.

You might find yourself subject to such things as “L b thr by 3” which is actually good if you consider the cognitive capabilities of the person sending it. Or you might be subject to something like “I cn se th bck of my hed. Ts drk. Whts tht pnk stf?” I didn't get it too. Sometimes though you might come across pure art in the form of lewd jokes in bad grammar from some fool you knew who knows when and who thinks it funny talking about shoes in euphemisms. In terms of writing, these SMSs are woefully lacking… everything. First graders trump them in spelling. The content varies from by utterly puke-worthy to only slightly barf-inducing.

So there, most general forms of writing and literature prevalent among the people today reviewed in all totality. It was totally worth it and now the reviewer intends to take a break and weep in general depression for the state of the people's literary endeavours.

Keep a close look for more eye opening reviews that don't follow the rule. Because reviewing books is just so passé.

By Tareq Adnan
(da.phat.one@gmail.com)

Refrain from profane

You are a complicated person with a lot of anger inside yet you feel like the coolest person ever. You need to release all that wrath. In other words you've just watched 'Scarface' for the first time and you just have to use those swear words!

2 pm @ your living room
Your younger brother is back from school and guess what? He is “flippin' the bird” and singing on repeat “sing mother sing, mother word that rhymes with trucker can sing”. You are horrified at what you are hearing and so are your parents.

6 pm @ your room
Your little sister just got home from her friend's place and she doesn't seem very content.

Reason? They had an argument over whom Nick Jonas would choose to be his girlfriend. That turned into an ugly fight and your sister ended up calling her best friend the word that rhymes with witch.

7 pm- you in a pensive mode
In the movie all those words sounded really 'cool' but when you heard them coming from people you cared about, it didn't sound all that good. You think twice . . naah forget it you're happy with 'shoot'.

By Fariba Rakhsanda