You Can Lead a Cow to Slaughter

Walking a cow home is so last century. So this Eid, here's a few innovative ways you can use to get your cows home and save yourself the trouble of walking.

1) Ride on top of the damn thing. This one's very simple, but extremely effective. Why don't you just sit on top of the cow and let it do all the work for you? It will be the exact same thing as riding a horse, instead it will be a cow. But is it safe? Can it be done? Well, we don't know. But you won't know unless you try, will you? How do you think people started riding horses, and even elephants? If we can learn to trust elephants, cows can be trusted too.

2) Okay, this one is a tad bit more complicated, so we are going to make the instructions as simple as possible.

i) Select cow.
ii) Put roller blades on the cow.
iii) Take its tail and tie it up to the car's rear bumper.
iv) Drive the car to the desired destination.

Now there's a 99.99% chance that things will go horribly wrong for you, your car and more importantly the people on the street. But this is a risk you have to take, for innovation, for mankind, for… the greater good.

3) Have your cow delivered to your house by air. Those GMG and Biman airplanes are too dangerous for humans anyway, so why not use them to transport cows during Eid? However, this method is a bit on the expensive side and should only be considered by the privileged few who spend their Eids in Westin (or any other five star hotel), taking pictures and having foreign cuisines.

4) The home delivery system. You call up the guy and tell him the type of cow you want and the price range you want it in. In a few days, the guy sends in a truckload of about a dozen cows and you choose the one you like best, pay the guy and you are all set to enjoy your cow. However, this one has a few downsides. The price of cow rises, due to the transportation costs. Plus, you have to choose your cow from only a dozen cows. Whereas, if you went to the BIRAT Goru Chagol'er Haat (place where they sell cows during Eid), your options are seemingly endless.

No matter how awesome and innovative these methods are, there's a special feeling you get from walking a cow home that you won't find in these methods. Walking a cow home fills you up with a feeling of pride and you also get to bond with the poor fella. And when was the last time you bonded with something that was eventually going to end up on your plate?

By Alvi Ahmed

Road to Eid: Cow Tales

Haat Day 01:

The field is getting rather crowded with each passing moment. I don't understand what the rush is about. Aren't we, the cows, assembled for the Gate to the Cow Paradise, where the grass is green and the mayflies are sympathetic to our little 'me' time?

I tried to talk with the long-necked things opposite to my peg. Rocky said (we are good friends now. He said he cried after hearing me sing about Belle) that they are from another country. So they wouldn't understand our language. I still tried.

“What you eat?” No reply.

“How eat you?” This time he looked at me.

Then I mooed and showed him how I ate. He looked at me in a half-asleep kind of way and proceeded on grazing. He continued to stare at me like that while I toiled alone in the one-sided conversation. Rocky says he is from India which explains his attitude towards us, the small-time country folks. Rocky and I are fast becoming best friends. He is not mean to me anymore.

Haat Day 02:

The number of people increased. But we still outnumber them. They walk around extra cautiously but still step on the dung. And a lot of them are rather scared of us. I tried to swat a fly with my tail and the person behind me jumped in fright. It was so funny. Rocky made me laugh more when he charged a human cub and reduced him to tears. I too kicked a man with my hind leg just for the fun of it.

The camel kept on staring around sleepily. He is, after all, the centre of attraction.

Haat Day 03:

I thought I caught a glimpse of Belle in the field but then I realised it was a He. The thought made me mournful. I cheered up slightly when Rocky pooped on a man's shoes. The man uttered some strange strings of words. Then he proceeded to feel me up: pinched me in the rib case, counted my teeth, slapped my hind and tugged at my rope. Then he and two other people started to move me from my peg. I guess they are the ones that will help me fulfil my Bovine Dream. I mooed goodbye to Rocky. He mooed back. The camel gave me another sleepy glance. I cursed at him in cow-tongue. He looked disinterested as usual.

The humans dressed me with weird jewelleries on my neck and 3-inch long, slightly crooked horns and walked me to a strange new place. I think all the humans know one another; because on the way, almost everyone kept asking “koto?” The one who tugged at my ropes answered with 'thirty-three' and 'thirty-five' at different times. One of them grabbed my tail and twisted. It tickled horribly and I jumped.

That Night:

The people at the new place are a bit weird. They keep looking at me like I am some sort of display item. Some of their looks were creepy. The young cubs of the humans look excited. Particularly one with long hair. She patted me every chance she got and talked a lot gibberish. I feel happier than the time I was with my Owner in the country. I wish Belle were here to enjoy the same facilities. I guess 'Dhaka shohor aisa amar poran jurailo'.

The Monologue (Live):

A lot is happening suddenly. I hear some horrible sounds, some sad moo's and baa's, I remember Tiger, the Black Bengal Goat and his teachings about the Destiny. But I still feel apprehensive...

***

I look around to find out the source of the high-pitched screams. Someone is crying. No. Wailing. I can't see the long-haired girl anywhere.

I wait...

By Jawad

Korbani Eid Playlist

The following playlist must only be used as background music for the cutting/chopping/maiming/blood spattering of cows/goats/camels/dumbas on Korbani Eid. Please note that these songs are violent in nature and might not be for the elderly/faint hearted/non-koshais of the family. They have all been picked through careful analysis, basically after typing “best songs for chopping up meat in frenzy” into Google proved to be less than fruitful.

1) “Raining Blood” by Slayer: isn't it obvious?

2) “A Fine Day to Die” by Bathory: for them cows, not us.

3) “Still Alive” by Lisa Miskovsky: for when the cow legs are still twitching even though its head is lying four feet away.

4) “Laid to Rest” by Lamb of God: HAD to have a spot. Because of the band name.

5) “B.Y.O.B.” by System of a Down: Bring Your Own Baalti; to be played when a fight breaks out about buckets, used either for transporting meat or for cleaning up all the blood.

6) “Rooster” by Alice in Chains: to remember the chickens on this day of beef and mutton.

7) “Bulls on Parade” by Rage Against the Machine: Self Explanatory

8) “Die Die My Darling” by Metallica: they say you're supposed to sacrifice an animal that you love or care for…

9) “Hell Bent For Leather” by Judas Priest: when the koshais try to claim your cow's skin for himself, play this and scare him off.

If your head doesn't hurt by now, you truly deserve a respite. Congratulate yourself and continue cutting or chopping meat.

By Shaer Reaz