Where The Toys At?

Chitldren these days have no sense of what's really good. Kids these days are busy trading the best toys of the universe in exchange for Lounges, Love, Consoles and retarded card games. These things, especially the retarded card games, makes us, the more successful generation, pause and wonder what the world is coming to. Open your mind and understand that a PS3 can never beat the vast array of toys that were once at our disposal.

Penguins on Slide- Remember the three little penguins walking up an escalator and then sliding all the way down, round and round, again and again? All hell would break loose when those little penguins jumped down the mean slide, displaying no fear for the mighty Escalator. That was a toy of sheer genius. Penguins on SLIDES! How freakishly cool is that? On a PS3 you will never be able to observe how penguins could race on slides. Youtube it and you'll find videos that offer proof of this breath-taking wonder, pushed towards extinction. The Penguins slide for infinity never tiring once. And if they fall, THEY GET RIGHT BACK UP. Beat that.

What the Fish - How many kids these days do you know who have really gone fishing? Well none really, unless you count the fat kids drooling off Top Angler for PC. The art of fishing is a dying art, unlike in our days. Not that we ever went fishing, but we had that cool fishing toy. Bunch of fish would go around in circles, opening and closing their mouths, while we waited with our toy fishing rods with the magnetic tip. The minute those suckers kept their mouths open for too long, we pounced on them. It was usually a two player game, the victor obviously the one with the most toy fishes. The game was later upgraded to have an aquarium adventure version with real water and magnetic tip fishes. That taught us some mean fishing, something kids today have no clue about.

G.I. Joes- Whatever happened to Funskool and Mattel? These two toy makers churned out some real classic figurines which gave us hours of entertainment. Kids in our days had daring and imagination. G.I. Joes sold for 100 bucks a piece and every kid had a collection to boast about. And it wasn't just figures but also G.I. Joe ships, cars, jeeps and whole assault units. If the Joes weren't capturing enough imagination, we always had a whole range of action figures to choose from, ranging from Master of the Universe pieces to even WWF classic toys. Those were the days when places like UAE market, Rajanigandha, Khazana and One Stop Mall really flourished. Kids these days just don't understand goods toys anymore.

Rail-Tracks- Which child can pass up the rare opportunity of setting down their tracks and running their own train? A stupid child, maybe. But we were far cleverer. And none of that plastic, 'use-your-imagination' trick worked on us. No, we bought trains with real head-lights and with chimneys which gave off real steam. None of that fancy sound-emitting crap for us; we were classy. And our rail-tracks ran all over the house. While this generation displays fool's gold in their whole Sim Railway or something, we had the almost real deal.

Misc. - From puzzles of 1000 pieces, Legos from the actual Lego Land and of course wooden horses and realistic toy guns, we had it all and we enjoyed it. The advent of creating whole areas without guidance, using Legos to completing puzzles whilst shooting at each other with plastic pellets while riding horses, all of that made us patient, creative and daring. Hence, we were mugged far less often.

The point here being the fact that our generation had a lot of things to look forward to and do. Even if we did stay at home we learned a lot of things like how penguins are affected by inertia or something and how to catch fish. We also knew how to wage war with Joes. All this generation has is some lame Medal of Honor (the medal, I am yet to see), and fairy-like preference . We leave the readers to judge who were better off really.

By Osama Rahman

Being a Lady

You have not the slightest idea of how it pains yours truly to see you wobble around in heels which are obviously uncomfortable. You don't feel the shame that this writer feels, when she sees you crossing a street, stopping half-way, and then looking left and right, utterly confused about whether to cross the street or retreat. She shudders when she sees you pull another fellow female's hair in public. At times like these, she muses: where is the Lady?

Yes, I am talking to the young women out there, but the guys are most welcome to read this article. Being a Lady is not about being submissive, it's about exuding grace, power and intelligence. It's about commanding respect. It's NOT about being some thing out of 'Little Women'; it's about being Miranda Priestley…a significantly toned-down version of Miranda Priestly. On the occasion of International Woman's Day, this writer beseeches the misguided women to bring out the best in themselves and make an effort at mastering the dying art of being a Lady. Like so:

1. Don't get involved in a fight: there are better ways of getting back at people. For instance, there is the sweet smile coupled with the murderous look, which is very, very effective. If you have access to your school's lab, mix sodium hydroxide in your victim's drinking water…if you cannot get hold of sodium hydroxide, go for soap or detergent. Paying attention in chemistry and biology is also advisable. However, the best way to avoid a fight would be to be on good terms with most people. Not b****ing helps.

2. Don't scream out profanities, even if you are beyond enraged. Avoid the f-word and other over used ones, because it doesn't get you anywhere. Instead, maintain a calm and composed demeanor and deliver more complicated and creative invectives which are hard to counter.

3. Being dumb, air headed and ignorant is a major no-no. Why? Because that's very Paris Hilton (read: un-Lady-like). Without wit, intelligence and knowledge, you will never be able to try out numbers 1 and 2.

4. Don't be a copy-cat: this writer is speaking about the choice of outfits. When you open your wardrobe to pick out a dress or a pair of shoes, pause and think: where you are going? How long will you be out? Yes, of course you knew that, but when was the last time you put the theory to practice? Always maintain a balance between style and comfort. Instead of blindly going for something that's 'in', uphold a classy and graceful image while staying chic.

5. Show food some respect. This may surprise many, but food is supposed to be eaten. Anorexia isn't any better than obesity; after all, both result in a major wardrobe-size-mishap. As for those who do know that food is meant for consumption, PLEASE remember your table-manners. Shoveling in the food and talking with your mouth full is the epitome of disgraceful behavior.

6. Being the Damsel in Distress is unacceptable. Stand up for yourself, woman! Don't sit in the corner waiting for your friends to wipe your tears, or for your Pumpkin to come and help you out. Let everyone know that you know karate - give a demo if necessary. However, do try to avoid violence (Refer to numbers 1 and 2).

7. Don't diss your own kind and side with the males. EVER. While we should always accept our mistakes and make an effort to avoid them in the future, dissing your own gender is just despicable. Need more explanation? Yours truly will be delighted to send you a certificate for being an epic fail at being a female.

8. Don't try out the man-hunting tips provided in Cosmo. We love Cosmo. However, trying out those tips is absolutely anti-Lady. Don't feel obliged to laugh at a guy's lame joke, feel free to point out their mistakes… in short, don't waste half of your life thinking about guys, let alone chasing them. But do try out all the other fashion and make-up tips.

9. Don't try to be a guy. They are no Ladies. Even the dude who looks like a Lady isn't one.

10. Don't sign up for an anti-male force. Or anything even remotely similar. As mentioned, there is no need to be a guy, or to side with them when they are in their anti-femme mode. However, lashing out at guys for no good reason is just… mean. Contrary to popular belief, all men are not pigs. Before blaming the men for being thorns on a woman's path, take a moment to think: Is it more likely for a woman to hate another woman, or a man to hate a woman? Are men really the only ones to blame?

By Sarwat Yunus