Nail Polish

Makup is stupid. There, I said it. It's nothing but glorified war paint. What do these women fight, then? Why, the looks God gave them.

Makeup is primarily associated with women, because apparently, when women scream and shout about equal rights, it doesn't include men doing womanly things. So if a man disgruntled about the way he looks uses makeup, he is looked down upon by both genders with equal measure. Not that we'd want to use makeup anyway. Just saying.

Yours truly decided to do something about this. With the good people at Almas as witness, I tried on four different shades of nail polish - inside the store, with hordes of fat aunties shopping for their makeup and other womanly stuff staring at me. Needless to say, a little big part of me died that day - which part, I cannot tell you for fear of being censored.

Nail polish is not a polish at all. It serves no polishing purposes. It is just paint in a bottle that solidifies and forms a layer on your nails. Apparently to make them nails look nicer. Even with all the shades I tried, I didn't look even 0.1% prettier. Not that I'd want to look pretty. Maybe my manliness was getting in the way of my transformation.

As you may have deduced by now, I have a lot of time on my hands. And a lot of womanly shaded paint too for that matter. So I hung around the shop trying to talk to ladies about make up. Most of them ran away as I approached them, so I tried a different tactic and talked to the shop assistants instead. They seemed to get a kick out of watching an almost grown man strut about wearing pink and crimson nail polish. When asked about pricing, I received another shock. Who in their right minds would pay upwards of Tk.200 for a bottle of paint? All women, apparently.

A new trend among womenfolk regarding nail polish is using several different colours together and creating patterns on their nails. Use a red base, take a toothpick, dip it in blue polish, then draw a simple flower on it. Creative stuff, really. Then there are the classic French manicures where freakishly long nails are given a thin white strip on top and another pale colour below.

When I tried taking off the polish, I asked an assistant to help. She handed me a bottle of vile smelling liquid that made my hands smell like dog poo. Removers don't work well either. Rubbing for what seemed like a lifetime only removed bits of the polish. I promptly gave up and went home, with half of my nails garnished in pink. Piece of advice to any other weirdo men who may want to try this “experience”: wear gloves when you get home, otherwise your moms/sisters will freak thinking you've nicked all of their nail polish. Not a pleasant experience, explaining the situation to them.

I was supposed to review nail polish. Since I know nothing about nail polish, all you get is what it feels like to be a man and wear nail polish for a day. Surprisingly, I can relate to women out there, mostly - putting on makeup and taking it off again must be what gives women a shorter lifespan than men.

By Shaer Nail Police Reaz

Mammas' King

Ask a half bald boy next door whether he considers accompanying his mom to coaching "uncool" or not. If he replies in the negative, a.k.a. nods left to right, knock on his head and shout in his ear "anybody home?" You will have to understand that you definitely have asked the wrong question. If you have not yet killed him, ask him whether he accompanies his mom to coaching or his mom accompanies him to coaching.

Okay, if you have not got the hang of it yet, take your time and try to differentiate between accompanying your mom to places and taking her to places. Simply put, if you take two continents, name them "accompany" and "take" and place the Atlantic Ocean between them, the difference created between the two continents would hide in shame in the face of the bigger difference the words themselves create.

Accompanying your mom to places is darned uncool, and so I politely ask you to take a broom and knock the boy unconscious if he says that he accompanies his mom and he is not ashamed of it. Call him bad names if you are overly enthusiastic. But yes, definitely make sure that his mom is not around when you do so. Fat women can slap when they are angry, take my word for it.

When your mom takes you to places, you are the one walking behind her and holding on to her sleeve; when she accompanies you, she is tugging you from behind. Yes, there are definitely disadvantages to the latter side, but the weight of the advantages better than counterbalance the odds.

Firstly, you never have to pay the bills. And I mean, any bill - starting from the cheap shingara bills to the costly CNG fares, she pays it all. Let me ask you, what can be better than having a bank walk around with you all the while? The odds are sad too, such that this particular bank is heavily armed and will run at you the very moment you stink of "white sticks", let alone buy them for you!

If you have never been in front of Star Cineplex without the money to watch the next film, you are probably too rich and your mother is probably too busy with social work; consider yourself an object of pity, you have never suffered in your life. But yes, if you ever have been in front of Star Cineplex with her highness nudging you towards the cosmetics shops, you are the happiest man alive; you have all the money in the world flowing form a purse behind you - happy movie watching.

There goes bills and money; now, if you've never been the part of a team who are locked in an altercation over one guy staring at another guys girlfriend, go change your friends and get a life.

Most of the gentlemen who have a life have once or twice been chased or beaten down by some group of hockey stick wielding mobsters. Rewind and think again, if you had your mother around, that would never have happened. Her sixth sense would have informed her that you are in danger way before anything happens and before even a single strand of your hair's ruffled, you would have been husked away safely. That is awesome.

But yes, I agree that having your mom around stops you from smoking, hanging around with friends, or, sadly, having a girlfriend. But yes, any man will tell you that all three of these are bad, only after they have experienced these though.

Simply not having to spend even a single penny on DVDs counterbalance these three disadvantages more than they should, because all three of the disadvantages involve overturned pockets and broken hearts. And so, at the end of the day, there can be no better thing than having a credit card that works everywhere and has no drawing limit walking around with you. Being a mamma's boy is cool, take my experience for it.

And oh, yes, you never have to ride a bus with your face stamped into some man's armpit if she is with you; cars and CNG's probably come in pack with moms.

By Bubble-boy

Mama Said

When I hear the words "mama's boy" I imagine a sweet seven year old boy, who listens to his mama's every word and goes to her for protection. Cute, ins't it? Now when that boy turns seventeen and is still labelled a mama's boy, that's creepy. Being a mama's boy has its perks, you don't need to pay for anything and you will be fed every time you are hungry. However, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages by a long shot.

If you are a mama's boy, your mom probably goes everywhere with you. Imagine this, you are walking down the street with your mama and this extremely hot and curvy chick enters the scene. You notice that she is a work of art, and would put Kim Kardashian to shame, and while the other guys are drooling over her you are forced to look away. Why? Because you can't check out chicks when you are with your mama.

If you are a mama's boy in our country, things will get real bad real soon. At school or at classes, you will be picked on by the other cool kids. People will call you names, girls won't talk to you, bullies will beat the crap out of you for no good reason and worst of all, you will be the victim of countless "yo mama" jokes. You can't fight back because you are outnumbered and because you possess the physical strength of a nine year old girl with asthma. This leaves you mentally scarred and you grow up to become either a rapist or a serial killer.

There will come a day when your mama will force you to go out on your own. Not because she wants you to learn the toughness of life, it's because even she is embarrassed to be seen with you. That's how pathetic you are. So when you are finally on your own, you hardly know how to cross the street without holding hands with your loving mother. Statistics show that mama's boys trying to cross the street on their own have a 98 percent chance of getting hit by a bus. You will also get lost constantly and as a result you will end up getting mugged. It's a fact, all you mama's boys reading this remember when you are on your own, you will get mugged.

When mama's boys are let off the hook by their over protective mothers, their little angels go crazy. So now that you are on your own, your mama probably fills you up with oodles of cash, because she doesn't want her "shona moni" to go hungry. Suddenly all the cool kids start making friends with you. And you start to think that finally you have made it. Right? Wrong. Those kids aren't interested in a dweeb like you, they just want your money to buy drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. And you being the loser that you are, hand over the money just for the sake of being cool. Peer pressure gets the better of you and you try out drugs. Two weeks later your dad finds out you have turned into a druggie and he throws your sorry butt into rehab. You see it's a happy ending, well for the cool kids anyway.

By Alvi Ahmed