The week in re(ar)view

Reboot Bangladesh
In this age of reboots, everyone is remaking everything to be grittier, meaner and more leather clad than before. Cue Batman. Taking that cue, our opposition party has started a reboot of their own by attacking history. BNP leaders say Ziaur Rahman was the first president of Bangladesh, as he took charge of the country after proclaiming independence in 1971. Wikipedia and history books say Sheikh Mujibur Rahman stood ahead in the line for presidency. BNP's Secretary General Khandaker Delwar Hossain said Sheikh Mujibur Rahman's March 7 speech was not a declaration of independence. Next we know they will portray Ziaur Rahman in tight black leather outfits. That's the only way reboots can go.

Terminator passports
Machines will now read your passports and if a fault is detected, will fire off three mega-death rays that will not only wipe your existence but also that of your ancestors. Well, that was the initial plan involving machine-readable passports (MRP).

The cost for getting these MRPs is Tk 6,000 for emergency issuance and Tk 3,000 for a normal MRP. For those wishing to leave the country in a hurry with stuff taped to their undies, this may seem an okay price to pay. For those of us who already have passports with our awesome pictures posted, it is an extra cost. Worse still, the 84-page new passport will be valid for five years only. Forms will be available in the DIP website: www.dip.gov.bd.

Bangladesh must switch to MRP from April 1 as per a deadline set by the International Civil Aviation Organisation (ICAO).

Staying power of stink
The construction work of Syedabad Water Treatment Plant phase-2 is to start in the first week of April. This is very well timed with the greatest holiday of all, April 1. So is it a joke? Expected to be completed in three years, this will reduce the capital's dependency on underground water. Unless of course, thirst decreases the population in the first place.

Liyakat Ali, deputy managing director of Dhaka Wasa, said the target capacity of the plant is 22.5 crore litres of fresh water a day. Sigh! That's a word we haven't heard in a while. Not 'sigh' but 'fresh'.

The water for this treatment plant will be brought in from Boidher Bazar of the Padma. After completion of this plant, city residents will get water that doesn't smell of skunks practicing for Olympics swimming events. Till then, we have to hold our breath while drinking. Add to holding our breath when walking, life seems to be a short period of non-breathing.

The Dark Night
If you noticed, and it is tough not to, our nights are darker than they used to be. The government has taken a decision to shed 150-200MW of power in Dhaka city from midnight to 9:00am to meet the demand of electricity for irrigation during Boro season. As if that isn't bad enough, gas supply to the power stations is running alarmingly low. So either we eat or watch TV. Tough decision that.

It also hampers pumping of water to the rooftop reservoir tanks. Baths are now a luxury for many areas. Residents prefer to peel off the dirt after a few days instead of washing. This looks to be a hot, stinky smelly summer indeed.

Unofficially, country's demand of electricity stands at 6,000 MW, against a supply of 3,800-4,000 MW.

Digital Bangladesh still analogue
While the country faces severe electricity outages, Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina has inaugurated two electronic services--Electronic and Mobile Money Order and Postal Cash Card. Money just went mobile. Hasina said the government has undertaken a project to allow 8,500 post offices to operate as e-centres. Her dream of a digital Bangladesh has just one flaw. Turns out 'digital' needs 'electricity' to perform.

By Mood Dude & Someone

Lovin' With Dr. Lovelove

The Love Doctor that makes Cupid cry for his mommy…
…to get his diaper changed.

Yo Doc,
I've got a problem, you see; A burning desire inside of me
And I've got no one else to turn to; So please help me, please do.
I've got a rapping problem, you see; and this quality is killing me
It's affecting my inner desires; I dunno how to get outta this quagmire
I've got a crush on a girl, I've got it for so long; That I can't remember, but I've known all along,
That this is the perfect girl for me; But I can't get any opportunity.
You see, my rapping talks; Won't let me talk outta the box
And every time I try to ask her out; My heart and my mouth stops.
I can't speak normally; And she doesn't like my rapping ability.
I feel like a failure; Isn't there any cure?
I don't want this, I want some peace; And go out with a lass like any guy would
I dunno how to cure my rap, but I know you should.
So, help me doc, please help me;
to get a solution for this immediately.

Rapper-kid
P.S. What was that last issue about you not being single?
I know your type and I know with women you don't mingle.
So cut that crap and admit you're single.
My homie, the Rapper-kid,
It seems you're no different
Your stupidity is quite evident
Cat got your tongue, you can't ask her out?
What are you being a sissy and moaning about?
The solution to your problem is quite simple
As long as you're not hideous, face not covered in pimples
You are indeed a failure and there ain't no cure
The idiocy you portray is true and pure
Your identity is a farce and your character is frail
Changing yourself should be easy, don't cry and wail
Stop rapping, yo, it ain't hard to do
Before she realises you're a bigger loser and you're through
No more of 50 Cent's drugged voice out your speakers
Nor P.Diddy's excuse for pathetic music to make you weaker
You'll be fine then, no need to worry
Follow my advice and you won't be sorry
P.S.: Of course I'm not single, I'm not like you
If women weren't my thing, what would losers like you do?

Dear Dr. Lovelove,
I am a student of IUB. I am doing my 2nd semester. I have a boyfriend who's been acting really weird nowadays. I don't know what I should do. Before, he used to call me almost all the time. He was busier that time. But now he, at most, calls and talks to me for few hours. I can't tolerate this. I want his 100% attention. I really love him and I want him to be the way he used to be. But I can't decide what to do. He started lying to me. He's not giving me much time. I usually don't talk to others. I do talk but to few, especially with one of my cousins and him. Knowing this too, he doesn't care to call me and spend some time together. He nowadays doesn't want to express his feelings. I am getting more emotional day by day. Is there any way to make him understand this? I always cry and tell this to him and at that moment he acts nice. But the next day he again starts behaving as if he's getting bored. Due to my illness I can't go to my university. I don't know what he might be doing. Before that he used to call me after his classes and now he hardly calls me. He doesn't send me a single SMS. So PLEASE Dr.Lovelove heal my relationship. I can only hope for a suggestion of yours. I am frustrated of everything so please help me out.
FRUSTRATED P

Dear Frustrated P,
It seems your boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too. Obviously, you were incompetent as a girlfriend and couldn't satisfy him completely, so he has moved on. As you have read in my column, I deal with the woes of the ineptitude a lot and you shall be no different. He has found another woman to go wild with while keeping you as a back-up in case his current mistress realises her mistake and gets the hell out of there. So I suggest you find another guy you can moan to about your silly little problems. Preferably someone even less desirable than you so that he has a reason to stay up all night and listen to you go on and on and on about how fat you're getting, the pimple on the left side of your chin. Leave this guy as soon as possible before you become the mistress and she, the girlfriend. And please don't stop studying. You probably won't get a guy rich enough to fall back on if you mess this up. You'll most likely be one of those unmarried workaholic girls who'll die alone.

By Dr. Lovelove

Problems and inquiries and endorsements: dr.lovelove@live.com
Yes, I am now willing to mention your useless stuff in my column. For a price.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this column are purely for comic effect and while RS laughs along with the good Doctor, we do however warn our readers to heed the advice in this column with care.

RS Mailbox

Your one-stop junction for love, hate, suggestions and counters for the Rising Stars.

Word on our last issue:
Dear Editor,
Firstly I'm a big fan of RS!
I really liked this week's articles -- "Memories of Mihrab" and "Masculinism".
To Maiesha, you're a really special girl as well. I didn't know I could learn so much from an eleven year old. We all pray for your little brother and you as well. Thank you for sharing your love with us.
To, S.N.Rasul, I agree with you. We really should be campaigning individually and not generally, because to me being a generalist is as bad as being a sexist. Unfortunately, as we fight against what should be said there are still thousands of men and women being oppressed and tortured as we speak. And till we can reach them and stop the injustice we can never be what we call equal. And for that we have to stand up against society itself....But you were still right.
And to you RS, there really are many printing mistakes in your paper these days, which is very disappointing. I hope you'll work to minimize it in the future.
Thanks for the great tabloid every week.
A big fan,
Sadaf.

Hossain Al Wasi: Maiesha Samiha Mahmood, I don't have the words to console you. And I feel you don't need consolation. After a very long time, I read something that touched me so much. I think there's a lot to learn from you. Life is unfair at times. I respect you for the way you are facing it...

Fammie Nashrah: I'm totally obsessed with Dr. LoveLove!

Rojin Ammar: Seriously I thought the Rasul dude wrote a classic debate speech.......either way slammed the 'Melancholy of the Useless'.....hoping for a rebuttal !

From the RS Desk,
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