Lovin' with Dr. Lovelove

The Love Doctor that makes Cupid cry for his mommy....................to get his diaper changed.
Dr. Lovelove,

I am currently working as a reporter. One of my colleagues (and dearest friends) is having trouble with his social life. We at the office have never seen him with a woman (or a man) in a non-platonic relationship before. This has caused me quite a concern. He is consistently being ridiculed in the office for this behaviour, with nicknames like "The Photosynthesizer." Some are even half-jokingly suggesting that animals are his 'thing.' I really want to help him. What do I do? How do I help him?
· Confusedinworkplace

Dear Confusedinworkplace,
Throughout my years of experience, I have encountered many who are of the type you describe above. There are not many of this kind, but they are there, usually undetected by society and their friends and family around them. Or at least, in the beginning. Pretty soon, they are the butt of many of their peers' jokes and pranks and end up living a life of misery-induced sadomasochism, a lot of times resorting to voyeurism to cope with their desires.

Now, the problem you face has been faced by many. It is a crisis that must be dealt with, with the utmost sensitivity and care so as not to rattle the subject's familiarity with his environment and to not let any of his colleagues and friends know (unless they are very close and won't make fun of him, say things like "maybe he doesn't swing either way, just north" About what you are going to do. If we were not in the conservative nation of Bangladesh, this would have been an easy problem to fix. Since that is not the case, we must stoop to more desperate measures.

Here's what you do:
If you're a girl, this should be easy and will show how much you are willing to sacrifice for this friend of yours. To keep it short and precise, you need to put on 'a show' for him. Then, get a male to do the same. He will act as the safety net, you know, just in case. Observe his reaction. I hope this helps.

If he is still unresponsive, you must write to me again. Remember Dr. Lovelove (Love, Hearts and Relationships, PhD.)

Dear Mr. Lovelove,
When I was here, in Bangladesh, I was skinny and awesome. I had it good with my friends and colleagues and I had it going ON with the ladies. I had respect and dignity. Then, I moved to Iowa and everything changed. It seems as if the American populace is hellbent on not just making themselves obese and stupid, but also the rest of the worldcand I fell as one of their prey. Now I'm back here in Bangladesh but I'm now fat and ugly and stupid (My IQ has dropped 20 points), my friends and family think I suck and girls won't even give me a passing glance. How do I get back on top? Help me, please.
· No More Mr. Awesome

Hello No More Mr. Awesome,
First of all, it's DOCTOR Lovelove. Why do you people keep forgetting that? I earned my PhD, you know? It took me almost two years of gruelling hard work in LUP (The Lennon University of Peace, I'm sure you already knew that) to earn that degree. You people do that one more time, there will be hell to pay. Do you want me to stop this column? DO YOU?

Anyways, what you have is a fairly common syndrome experienced by NRBs in the United States. It's called the 'American Redneck syndrome.' Where the syndrome gets its name is pretty obvious, with American being synonymous with Obese and Redneck being synonymous with Stupid. Since now you're a fugly, insecure outcast, you must first boost up your confidence. And nothing boosts that better than a superficially pleasing outlook of oneself. Start hitting the gym as many times as you can (from what you describe, you must be hideous, almost repulsive) and get a makeover from one of the salons. If you can afford it, try cosmetic surgery. A liposuction is highly recommended. Remember, you must do this with the utmost vigilance. If you don't, those Yo-Momma's-So-Fat jokes won't be about Yo Mama anymore.

As for your IQ, I'm sorry, that is something even Dr. Lovelove can't help you with. The contagiousness and the consequential permanence of Redneck stupidity is still being researched. Rest assured it is high on the list (Above Cancer and below AIDS) of the FDA's priorities. If any word comes up, Dr. Lovelove here will let you know. But you must not worry about that. What's on the inside has never mattered. As long as you have the looks, the ladies won't care.

Send your problems and inquiries to: dr.lovelove@live.com
N.B.: E-mail ID is not fake.

By Dr. Lovelove

Laws of courtship

There are so many ways to begin.
The aforementioned statement, alas, is a blatant lie. Whip those rose-tinted glasses off, crack open that window that seals out reality and let the gust of cold, hard fact billow the curtains. The truth is such: there are only so many ways to begin. When it comes to the domain in question, there are only so many ways to begin.

A picture: in most cases, a profile picture on a popular social networking site, a picture that, with the intricacies of cyberspace, bring together two halves of a lonely heart and make them ONE. And thus they begin.

Babies: A child, cherubic, lies cradled in the (hopefully sinewy) arms of a trying-not-to-look-too-hopeful young lad. The child, depending on its mood, can either be yanking out tiny fistfuls of its captor's hair, salivating onto his Metallica shirt, or fast asleep. What the child is doing matters less than the fact that the child is there. Why? Babies classify as Chick Magnet No.1. The sight of a baby, according to popular notion, is enough to send a gaggle of girls flocking to said picture with variations of 'aw, how cute' to say. The comments start at one and end at twenty-nine, and at the end of the cyberspace gabfest so much is established: Here is a young, sensitive heart beating in the vessel of a sturdy lonely man. Will you go out with him?

Cars: They are vehicles of transportation. They come with an engine, a bonnet, a stick shift, leather-upholstered seats if one is willing to splurge, oversized speakers if one spends far too many hours poring over auto magazines, and an inherent air of This Shall Bring in the Ladies. Popular notion dictates that a car, smooth and slick and a stunning shade of one's choice of primary colour, inconspicuously (?) displayed on one's Facebook profile picture, will send young female hearts throbbing with longing. “Nice car!” or “Sweet ride!” or, if one is so very lucky, “Hey, I love your wheels, I think I'm going to forego any deeper logic and/or reasoning and just date you based on how great your Photoshopping skills are.” Behold Chick Magnet No.2.

Guitars: Oblong wooden shapes (sometimes plastic and/or metal), straight at one end and curved at the bottom, polished to a high sheen if one is particularly fastidious, glowing with knobs and strings and weather-beaten with the weight of many a night spent under the open sky, singing to the moon and the stars and whatever object of romance that appeals to the feminine mind. The aforementioned object lies prominently displayed in a shadow-shrouded shot of a room, lying across the bed or propped against the wall, or perhaps held lovingly in one's arm. Never mind that the object in question is purely there for decorative purposes, or if the only music played on its hallowed chords was the opening line of the latest Bollywood number. A guitar will bring in the ladies. Like bowling pins they will tumble and trip over themselves, gravitating towards this demigod of musical genius, because he holds this instrument of unquestionable allure in his hand. Behold Chick Magnet No. 3.

Shall these objects send one careening down the road of deep, meaningful relationships? Shall these foster understanding, and love and respect, and fill those crevices in lonely hearts with all-encompassing warmth and joy and joy-ness?

Doubtful.

By HU

RIP, J.D. Salinger

J.D. Salinger, author of one of the most well known American novels of the twentieth century, Catcher in the Rye, died this past week at the age of 91. Salinger was special because he was unique. As one of the few writers who went out of his way to avoid the public, Salinger led a fairly simple life. Although many short stories he published were critically acclaimed, Catcher in the Rye was his only mainstream novel. However, through Catcher and the Rye, Salinger introduced us to fairly new themes in American literature. The story of Holden Caulfield, a teenager who is out of touch with society, will always remain a timeless classic and ensure that Salinger does in fact remain a household name.

By Ihsan B. Kabir

RS Mailbox

Word from the readers on our last week's issue:
Zarin Khushnud Hey RS! This week's article- "CHOOSING BEGGARS" by - S.N Rasul was awesome! I was literally laughing out loud early in the morning in our living room, when my parents got worried saying"KI HOISE?" Haha! It was too good and so true!

Ashraf Kazi: RS should change their logo on a regular basis

Shayan Farzad Ahmed: Bleeding Cowboy font as the new logo isn't really nice

Ishrat Jahan: This week's issue was too good! I especially liked 'Eskimo Friend' bit I forgot who wrote it. Whoever did it was so so cute! Keep it up!

Rahisul Haque Sadib: I like that Babu's back

Nuhash Humayun: The cartoon was a disappointment. The criminal being tortured just happens to be a bearded guy in a panjabi and tupi, right? Is it just me or should the country's leading youth magazine be more responsible when it comes to publishing stereotype mongering content?

Zerin Tasnim: Was a little disappointed when I didn't find any teen segment... I really miss nano tales.. Plus I think you people should incorporate satirical writings... PEACE

Shamsil Elbereth: Well...today's issue was just...average, I suppose. Nothing seemed awesome to me except, of course, S. N. Rasul's 'Sing'. And HU's one was good too. The 'Beggar' thing was funny.

Zarifa Shahrin: This week's issue was pretty good according to me.....I am really glad Babu's back. The beggar article was hilarious, especially the 'aro chai' part! Eskimo friend=really cute and the book review was good too.....all in all a great issue.

Dear readers,
Because of the two things that we keep hearing are missing in our pages love and humour, we've decided to start a new humour column on relationships. We're proud to introduce our brand new columnist, Dr Lovelove. Send him your queries about the battlefield of love, but be prepared for some outlandish prescriptions. RS does not necessarily endorse his wacky ways, and will not be responsible for the outcome of taking his advice too seriously.

Also, Kidstars week is coming up, so if our Junior readers have poems and stories they'd like to share with us, please send them in!
--RS Desk

Letters, complaints, articles, rejoinders, and money should be mailed to ds.risingstars@gmail.com