Cyberspace heartbreak

The instant message comes in the dead of the night. Sun-bleached face sits in front of a pc, fingers glued to the keyboard, Facebook page open on one window, Windows Live Messenger on another. Orange tabs flash at the bottom of the screen.

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Umm… I wanted to talk to you... um…
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
What?
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
You know how you blew up the other day when I told you your friend is hot?
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Have you been staring up my friend (head exploding emoticon)?
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
But wasn't that why you blew up that day? What else did I do wrong?
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
HAVE YOU BEEN CHEATING ON ME?!
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:

What? Where'd that come from (perplexed emoticon)? I was just asking what went wrong. You went red in the face and scared the waiter into giving us a discount!

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
FYI (not-at-all-happy emoticon), that waiter was ogling at me, but of course you didn't notice, you were pretending to lose your wallet. You took her out to dinner, didn't you? That's why you never have money, isn't it (angry emoticon)?

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
It was just fuchka... wait, how do you know I know her and talk to her (worried sick emoticon)? And don't tell me you don't talk to other guys! I remember that bassist friend of yours!
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Who (shifty-eyed emoticon)? I don't know what you're talking about.

The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
The one who thinks Mick Jagger plays bass! The one who wore that scarf! SCARF! You went all moony and told me how he used to be some hunk at school or something (angry emoticon)!

Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Nothing wrong with men wearing scarves, you know. It's a statement. At least he makes it look good.
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Was that a thinly veiled jab at my manhood? I resent that.
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT (wailing emoticon)!
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
I do know you like cactus. I bought you one for you birthday. BTW what happened to Spiky (curious emoticon)?
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
My, err (hesitant emoticon) friend, um, killed it.
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
WHAT?
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Accident?
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
... I thought I knew you woman (dark emoticon, quite emo actually)! What else have you lied to me about? Do you honestly like cheesecake? Or was that lie too?
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Now, now, don't get your, briefs in a bunch.
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
I am not! *sigh* this isn't working (resigned emoticon). I think it's time we went different ways.
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME (hysterical wailing emoticon)? I SHOULD'VE KNOWN (dramatic crying emoticon)! My mother was right! You ARE a tool!
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
YOU TOLD YOUR MOTHER! WAS SHE THE ONE WHO CALLED AND BREATHED HEAVILY ON THE PHONE THAT NIGHT? I WAS READY TO…err, never mind (dispelling tension emoticon). Look, maybe we should go our separate ways. Clearly, we're not working.
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
Yeah, my mom likes to break out in Darth Vadar impressions like that…I mean, WHAT? Don't you talk smack about my mother (ghetto head shake emoticon)!
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Hey no offence (hands in the air emoticon). But look, we should just end it, you know?
Ye Olde Nymphe says:
OH (heartbreak)! OH (more heartbreak)! You know what? Fine! Leave! It's what you DO! *censored cuss word*
[Ye Olde Nymphe appears to be offline]
The Dark One's Stunted Two says:
Women.
Disclaimer: The abbreviations and general Internet chat lingo have been editted out for the sake of understanding. We LOL-ed very badly when we first read this and it took code books to figure out what was been said

By Tareq Adnan and Shehtaz Huq

Why the world hates the English language

English is definitely one of the trickiest languages to learn, and it is even harder to master. People native to English speaking countries make countless mistakes in their own “mother tongue”. However, the non-native English speakers are even more interesting. After countless encounters with people from different races, I have noticed that there are typical English mistakes made by people who do not speak English as a first language. If you are unsure about whether or not someone is a native English speaker, listen to the subject-verb agreement. Conjugation mistakes are highly uncommon in people who have been around English for a long time, but are the most common mistakes for people who are just learning how to speak English. After that however, things get a lot more complicated. It is under the “non-native English speakers” where we can see that different races could potentially be identified by the mistakes made in English. Each race is guilty of making its own set of mistakes. However, this article is not based on scientific research or information- it is just a 17 year old trying to present what could be a linguistic phenomenon. Here is a snippet of the complexity of the grammatical mistakes:

Koreans- One thing that most people remember about Koreans who speak English is that they always create plural forms of collective nouns. For example, phrases like “I need to memorize more vocabularies” or “This experiment needs more stuffs” are introduced into the language. Those nouns are not plural in these different contexts. However, with the Koreans, they suddenly are.

French- The typical French mistake in English is to mix up the order of words in a sentence. This is because in French, the order of words is quite different. For example, a French speaking person would say “Please, can you do me this favour?” whereas an English speaking person would say “Can you please do me this favour?”

Mexicans- Mexicans insert dozens of subordinate clauses and interjections into their sentences. It is common in other races, but not as common as with Mexicans. These are not grammatical mistakes insomuch as they are grammatical anomalies. For example, a sentence will sometimes have “like”, “you know what I mean”, “you get what I'm saying”, and “WHOA” before we have even gotten to the point.

Indians- Indians quite frequently link two completely different ideas together in one sentence. It is not necessarily grammatically incorrect; however it is still improper English. The use of the word “and” is probably most common amongst Indian speaking people. The coordination of two unlike clauses can be seen in a sentence like this: “I really like the school I go to, but I just want to be a good person when I am older.” The sentence seems deceivingly sound, but the “but” plays no role whatsoever.

Bangladeshis- Even though I have lived here for four and a half years, the typical Bangladeshi mistake can be notices within a few hours of spending time in Dhaka. There are lots of incomplete sentences spoken by native Bangladeshis. Strings of subordinate clauses are linked together, without there ever being an independent clause. An example would be “When I went home, although I was tired, because I slept.” That is a not so slight exaggeration, but there are times when the meaning of the sentence becomes really unclear.

There are many more stereotypes with different races; however the list would soon get mundane. These stereotypes do not detract from the English within a country; instead, they enrich it. These mistakes are part of a language group's culture, and with these mistakes, one can learn more about all of the different languages. English is a very difficult language, and I might even stick my neck out and say that sometimes non native English speakers are better at English than native ones. However, there are always people who fit into the categories above.

By Ihsan B. Kabir

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Dear RS,

I am a huge fan of Osama Rahman. I love the way he expresses his
opinions so surely in his articles. Its just his writing has got this
lively sense of confidence. His writings make me share his perspective
of views (even though some of his opinions are kind of umm...'odd' at
times) even for a little while. I find his writing very humorous,
colourful and very light-hearted. They crack me up even when I read them
like for the 50th time. He hadn't been writing as regularly as before. I miss reading his articles every week. I'm really happy he's writing regularly again.
Do I sound like a stalking-kind-of-fan? I hope not.

JOY to all Osama--Rahman--Fans!

P.S. Wahid.T.Khan and Tareq Adnan are awesome too! + Sabrina F.
Ahmad's reviews are very enjoyable. + I loved Musarrat's 'new moon'
review.

From
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