Teen court: Battle of the siblings

By The Don Khan and Kokoro Chan

Place: Courtroom 369. Time: Ten o'clock sharp. No human worth his salt would dream of missing out on this event. After all, this was one case worth sitting through. A case that had spurred the dynamic interest of the media and the public will be finally closed with a definitive verdict with the consent of the law. Not to mention the mouths of the parties involved in this as well. A case who's responsible for the dementia of the human population on the planet: Sibling Rivalry.

With the Jury (consisting of jurists who are single off-springs themselves; to provide an impartial decision) and the Judges settled and the House called to order; the Representative of the Awesome Younger Bros and Sis Union was called, and their defense outlined.

1. You older children always get the best out of everything; and that's just plain unfair. You get bigger allowances, cooler toys and most importantly, cell phones way before we do simply because you're Daddy's favourite oh-so-responsible offsprings. Go run for presidency or something if you're so 'responsible'! We want our cell phones!!

Plaintiff: Sure, turn eighteen and maybe we'll consider ceasing our veto application during Family Meetings (emphasize on the “maybe”).

2. Honestly, we're sick of listening to mom's droning every time we bring in our report cards to hear about how your grades used to be so much better than ours. 'Your older brother this', 'your older sister that'- we can't take it anymore. Stop infecting our lives like this, please!

Plaintiff: One word: study. Duh! Like its 'our' fault we're so great and awesome…sigh…kids these days.

3. Just because you were 'incidentally' born a few hours/days/months ahead of us doesn't give you the right to boss us around! “Porte bosh”, “TV is not for kids”, “Gaming is bad for your grades”, “You should not have a BF/GF at this age”…

Four words: Get.Your.Own.Lives!!!
Plaintiff: We already have it, and you're interfering with it. Besides, ever heard of a thing called a 'birth-right'? Your time will come, losers!

4. Cowards! You know we are young and not as strong as you are (but definitely not weak), yet you insist on intentionally picking fights with us because you know here you'll get a sure win. Pretty fancy way of venting your frustrations caused by those mean school-bullies on your poor defenseless younger siblings, huh?

Plaintiff: Congratulations, you have just ensured yourself another free 'human sand-bag session'; courtesy me! (Knuckles snapping)

5. Our parents picked our names with the utmost care and consideration. By no means shall we tolerate being subjected to foul nick-names like kid, squirt, brat, pichchi, or bratty kiddy pichchi and so on. Get it?

Plaintiff: Sure thing, crystal clear….PICHCHI!!!
After this wonderful presentation, it was time to call the monocle-wearing Representative of the Oh-so Infinitely Wiser and Cooler Brethren and Sisters.

1. Independence, independence, and once more… independence! You kids are home-grown guerrilla armies. What's the matter with you? Play it cool, be the loyal slave to your parents and older siblings, and it's certain that you will get your cell phones, if you have my socks laundered with your money, I am sure we can throw in a SIM card as well.
Plaintiff: Guerrilla formation, NOW!

2. As far as comparing is concerned, you should have been in our shoes. At least you midgets are compared to us, own family members, while we were compared to every other nerd on the School Register. What do you vertically challenged brats have to say to that? Point to be noted, milord.

Plaintiff: Yeah, at least those nerds didn't go around smirking every time you looked at them, or you didn't have to see them at your house as well. Also, stop calling us midgets!

3. You midgets (that sounds so nice) just don't have fine taste anymore. We used to die over watching shows like SWAT Kats or Thundercats and even Captain Planet (although we really don't care about the environment) and you freaks of nature cannot just have enough of mutated animals popping out of plastic red-and-white balls, or trucks and lorries driven by flashy spandex wearing dorks turning into robots. Get a life!

Plaintiff: We don't care about the environment as well; but hey we do care about all animals in general; not cats in a plane or wielding swords and playing Knights. Technicolor's so 90s!

4. After Independence, there's another drum you guys love beating; Privacy! “Ooh, I should have the right to clean up the History folder after browsing the Net.”, “Why cannot I close my bedroom door when on the phone?” With all that drama, we wouldn't be surprised if someone from Lipstick Jungle calls up. About the room thing, have a look at the rent book, will you?

Plaintiff: Even though we SHARE our bedroom, we younger siblings do have a right to close our doors at seemingly appropriate times! As far as History cleaning is concerned, um…we don't like living in the past. You got a problem with that?

5. We could write a book on you freaks, but we are dignified and lenient enough to limit ourselves to this last, but certainly not the least. You fail to see our meaningful purpose in your meaningless lives. We are the thin line between parents and you. The beings that toil and lead their respective lives, while strive to make yours a better one.

The ones that truly understand you and are compassionate, while strict enough to prevent you from going astray.

It's only necessary for you to comprehend the magnitude of the situation, and not fervently dismiss it to concentrate and focus wholly on unimportant errands. (A sad violin plays in the background, and the Representative sits with sparkling eyes)

Plaintiff: (Almost dozing off) Huh, what.? I am sorry, but we lost track after 'You fail…” Could you please repeat that?

It was time for the decision. The Jury of Alone Children was consulted and the Judge- after much of adjusting his odd-smelling wig- pronounced a decision, or a lack there of.

Although we ourselves have no siblings to drag around our pathetic lives with, we do appreciate the importance of the defence outlined by both parties and the work of the respective Plaintiffs. However, keeping all this in mind, we would like to pass our decision in no one's favour. Now before the parties clobber us, all we would like to say is that while older siblings do have a tendency to boss around and pretend they own the world; admittedly they are not as squeamish and whining as their younger counterparts are.

Since there's no law to punish either of these parties, all we can do is punish each of the parties' Representatives for wasting the time of the Court (I have lobotomy scheduled for this afternoon) with unnecessary ranting, and their punishment is to wash the Honourable Judge's horse-tail hair wig every Friday.

Case dismissed. Or maybe not…

North east west south (NEWS)

Curse of the Daylight Savings Time:
Japan's known as the Land of Rising Sun. The British Empire was known as the land where the Sun never sets. Bangladesh's on the verge of being named something of this sort, only cornier- Land of the People- who-Wake-Up-before -the-Sun-does. The Daylight Savings Time (DST) concept was met with much skepticism, but it finally settled in. Being way past reverting to the Pre-DST timing, comes in another change; for non-government institutions and schools. Private companies will have their day start from 10 am to 6 pm, and schools must begin between 7 to 8.30 am and end by 1 to 2 pm. Good side; frequent jams throughout a day would boost revenue for beggars. Bad side; your grumpy Boss!

The Plague of Plagues:
Since most parts of the country have been transferred into concrete jungles, it's only fair to stop building. Thus a new alternative has been thought of; damaging old murals and plagues of instutions and replacing them with new ones. Why? Good question, the answer is well…just for the heck of it.

The latest in this series is former President Ziaur Rahman's mural being damaged at the entrance to the Barisal Sher-e-Bangla Medical College. Authorities were not called, rather accounts of so-called witnesses describing an unidentified gang of people breaking up major portions of the mural. Add this to the list, which includes an event where unidentified people removed the foundation stone from Chandpur General Hospital inaugurated by Prime Minister Begum Khaleda Zia, and neatly replaced it with another plague claiming Awami League Health Minister Sheikh F. K. Selim inaugurated the place. All this and no proof or concern shown by authorities.

Digital Vegetable:
If you're still scratching your head after reading the heading, then well stop; we don't want your dandruff flakes on the page. So you do everything on the Net-from completing assignments to getting dumped. Well here's something folks over at the Indian Institute of Management- Mumbai thought of using the Net for; buying vegetables. Yes, so instead, of dragging their bodies from their bedrooms to markets nearby, these high-flying graduates thought of creating “Sabzimandi.com” (literal translation; VeggiEBay) for buying (supposedly fresh) vegggies and impress their Moms. Of course, prices are not subject to bargaining or haggling of any sort.

It's all in the Genes:
We people believe we just cannot make any mistakes. So, even if there are a few shortcomings, blame it on the parents- since it's all down to the genes. Thing is, while we having believing in this notion ever since we can remember, it took scientists at the University of California 15 years to figure that out. It has been shown that a particular inherited gene variant among people would lead them to drive poorly, hence leading into road rage and frequent fender benders.

An estimated 30 percent of America's drivers carry this mutant gene, and consistently perform worse and less likely improve than drivers with different DNA sequences.

Now if only that could be accepted by the Traffic Police when people get charged with a parking ticket.

Dating Techniques:
The previous piece just showed how science has given us bad drivers a new reason to live. But science has now finally exposed the hidden secret behind succesful relationships; YOUNGER, SMARTER WOMEN!

So your girlfriend just ditched you? Well move on, buddy- and this time find one atleast 5 years younger and smarter (you HAVE to compromise your ego on that) than you. Sounds like a huge age difference alright, but researchers at the Bath University, London claim this to be a prevalent factor when it comes to the mental maturity of both individuals, leading to less split-ups. But that's all the scientific stuff, all we care about is that finally the whole dating business is being taken seriously (Woody Allen movies don't count), and candlelit dinner bills are actually saved.
Sources: The Daily Star, Prothom Alo, Google News

By The Don Khan