Ifty's Iftar Bazaar

Hey you! Yes, you sir! You look like you're out for buying some delicious Iftaar, right? Well, you came to the right place; because this is Ifty's Iftaar Bazaar, a haven for some, um, “quality” Iftaar items. Have a look at some our Featured Items: -

1. “Glow-in-the-Dark” Jilapis:
Well, you heard of jilapis being made of industrial fluorescent stuff, right? Then, we kick it up a notch, by introducing “Glow-in-the-Dark- jilapis! No more fear of having to have your Iftaar in the dark the next time there's another load shedding around Maghrib; because the jilapis start glowing, illuminating your meal. These wonderful jilapis are guaranteed to glow all the way from the plate and well; you know where you end up after a long and quite heavy Iftaar, right?

2. Boomerang Begunis:
Another of our novel creations. Here's the picture; you are tight on cash and cannot buy enough Iftaar for yourself, what with the price hike in stuff. Well, if you buy one of these Boomerang Begunis, you will get the taste of the same stuff over and over again! Basically, the Begunis are so disgusting that they automatically boomerang out of your gut and into your hands every time you try eating them. Nifty, right? Before long, you are full yet you still have begunis to go! Free Antacid tablets with every purchase!

3. Chacha Halim…now with more “Mystery Meat”!:
Our unique blend of ingredients brings out THE special bowl of Halim (aptly named “Chacha Halim”) for you. It's more oil-spitting and has got more bones than meat as ever, plus a curious combination of rejected Kawran Bazaar vegetables, and of course bits of our 'Mystery Meat”. It's a mystery all right because you don't realise what it is until you get Nature's Call, but hey, don't blame us. Warning: Chacha Halim may only be sold to individuals 18 and above, that too under parental supervision.

4. Popping Piyajus:
Presenting a never before thought of hybrid of foodstuff; popping piyajus. So you're confused between buying a packet of popcorn and some piyaju? Don't worry, because our popping piyaju guarantee the best of both worlds…the crunching of popcorn combined with the…well, “piyajuness” of piyajus. It may look “different” (like something the cat dragged in), but hey, if taste is more important to you than how your foodstuff was actually prepared, than this is definitely worth a try.

5. Politician Dates:
Somewhere in the Middle East, farmers are naming a particular breed of dates after US President Barack Obama. Well, not to fall behind, our selection of dates feature names of influential politicians as well. The finest of the batch have names like Khaleda Khejurs, Hasina Dates and other bigwigs' names and political status correspond to the quality and cost of the dates. Take your pick! One thing's guaranteed; there isn't any corruption in our dates!

6. Syndrome Sherbets:
This Ramadan, you probably will see numerous stands selling God-knows-what types of juices. Well, we came up with our batch of juices as well, albeit with exceptionally honest names. There is the best-selling Jaundice Juice, followed by Cholera Cider and Typhoid Tang. As their names suggest, they will inflict you with diseases at rock-bottom prices. All this to guarantee you skipping work for ATLEAST a few weeks. What's more, we even allow you to select your own substandard industrial colouring and additives.

See, now which Iftaar Bazaar would ever provide such a unique assortment of items? So fork out your money, you poor midget, and try some of the items on sale. It's an experience you will never forget…even though for all the wrong reasons.

By Wahid T. Khan

The league of extraordinar(il)y small men

If your puny minds remember, a few moons ago, a writer discussed one of the prominent classes of Small Men; the Mr. Bigger-Than-Rickshawallahs, or rather, Mr.BTR. Well, time has passed since then, and now these Small Men (yes, there are more of them) realise that they have been given much undeserved attention, so like all good Small Men, they are now set to make an association of their own. Meet the Extraordinar(il)y League of Small Men, collectively called the League. They don't need costumes, their unique daily garb already serve that purpose, and given the city's wonderful transportation system, no special automobiles are required. Their only goal is to ruin our city lives with their special acquired powers. Here's a look at the prominent members of the League, the “Big” Small Men, knowing of course, that Mr. BTR, is the undisputed Head of the League: -

The Underpass Urinator and The Roadside Excretor: -Meet the Waste Brothers, the League's very own set of twins. Tending to be very weak to Nature's calls, these Brothers consider it their second religion to well…do what their names suggest. They regard these forms of insignia of where they had been, albeit the fact that these insignia are actually very smelly indeed, and make travelling across this city by foot very, very difficult to move indeed. They are big-time consumers of cheap, adulterated foodstuff, which guarantees as their, ahem, source of power. Extremely aware of the environment and being “green” (of course, in very WRONG ways), that's what we like to call them.

The Over-bridge Oscillating Hanger: - A much respected member of the League, he's not much of a talker. He rather prefers to hang over (not hangover) the railings of over-bridges, and gaze over the city that he so rightfully owns and has sworn to gaze over it day and night for eternity with an extremely moronic facial expression, just for the heck of it. The railings rust and weaken, yet he never leaves his place. His powers also include forming weird postures (postures which rule out the possibility of performing yoga) over the railings and staring downwards, giving passers-by quite an awkward sight to behold. But he's impervious to all, for he's a true Small Man by heart, and that's what they do best.

The Political Party Participator: - Although the League has tried its best in trying to be away from politics as much as possible, it turns out that the city's just not big enough for them to live separately, and inevitably they do mix. To make this a point, the Political Party Participator was inducted into the League. His powers are most effective during every strike, fiery clashes with the police, Saddam Hussein's hanging or just any other usual everyday political gathering of that sort. His powers are tapped in by paying a nominal fee (somewhere around Tk. 150- Tk. 300), and he begins by shouting random slogans, walking along with hideously designed banners or just running along a road, screaming wildly and getting into messy fights with law enforcers. The peak of his powers is after every five years, when the country goes for Elections, and to spread the effects of his powers, he's handed a Chinese motorbike (see, transportation problem solved). Par-tay!

The Genjam Goer: -A comparably new addition to the League, he's basically one of those special people in life you detest for being present at every spot of "genjam" (from drivers' brawls over car dents to pickpocket thrashes), which incidentally happen to be a very common sight around the city. Abilities include being able to drag over not only himself, but his cronies as well, to said spots of genjam, and also to interfere marvelously in the arguments and pass certain comments that enrage everyone present towards one of the poor guys involved in the argument. We do not really know why he is there, infecting everyone's minds with his powers, but hey, that would be questioning the very existence of the darned League.

This is all for now. Any further upcoming members of the League shall be brought to your notice for awareness, should they or their “gifts' (you know what I am talking about) ever cross your path.

By Wahid T. Khan

10 things to avoid when fasting

1. Sound-tracks having '-licious' suffixes (e.g. Bootilicious, Fergilicious and so on). The list may also include titles like the notorious 'Ketchup song' and the vulture song from Ice Age 2- “Food, glorious food….”

2. People who have weird food names like Halim Khan, Jilapi Begum, Komola Shundori, Angur Bala, Apel Mahmud etc. etc.

3. Places or joints with food names, Pizza Hut? Too temping when you immeiately imagine their delicious pizzas. Also compare Korai Gosht, Yummy Yummy etc.

4. Siddiqa Kabir's famous book of thousand recipes: Ranna, Khaddo, Pushti. Honestly, this book should be placed even before dirly magazines on your prohibition list while fasting. It's just that tempting.

5. On that note, deshi TV channels should also be avoided until Iftaar. They have this disturbing habit of airing cooking programs all the time (including Tommy Miah's curious recipe of making chili sauce out of Roohafza). I mean, how cruel can they get?

6. Children's picture books, especially the food and fruits part. I swear they print those pictures super-glossy just to make us more miserable.

7. Fairy-tale books that have monsters shouting gleefully, “Khabo Khabo Khabo Khabo Shob Betake Chibiye Khabo…” Yes, and that's why monsters are evil. They eat and tempt others to eat. Freaks.

8. Remember the Tom and Jerry episode where Jerry and his little nephew sneak into a ballroom with tables full of roasted chicken, hot soup, colourful jell-o, fluffy breads, green veggies and apples and oranges and champagne and….erm, well don't watch it if you're fasting.

9. Shaliks and Crows. Shameless birds, they seem to be always eating something or another. And no, yelling out, “Roja rakhte parish na?”- will not help. Duh.

10. Certain Psychotherapeutic measures like repeating, “I am not hungry, I am not hungry” over and over again in your head. That never works. But more than often backfires, yes.

By Kokoro-chan

Kidstars

For the love of animals

THE recent stories on the sad plight of the animals at the Dhaka Zoo talk about how the animals are neglected, underfed and dehydrated, their cages not properly cleaned, and thus are dying off.

With the death of Ringo on September 10th, a total of 20 rare animals died at the zoo in a year. It was learnt that the only rhinoceros, a deer, a tiger, a horse, a sambar (Nilgai) and a kudu ( a deer like mammal) are also sick.

We received this drawing from one outraged young reader.
Srijon Shaikat, a student of Class 1, South Breeze writes, “I love lions and other animals. I saw a picture of the lion [in the paper]. If you cannot take care of them, please don’t bring them from the jungle.”

This paper has been carrying many stories about the sad plight of the animals at the Dhaka Zoo. There are numerous other examples of negligence on the part of the Zoo authorities. We only hope that the zoo authorities would feel same as Srijon and us.- RS Desk

Drowing Sr ijon Shaikat