Things amiss

It wasn't long before I attained certainty that something was definitely amiss. For someone in my position, it wouldn't take a genius to know that something was amiss. I mean, certainly, when you're walking through walls and you look about yourself and see that you have no definite form, shape or figure, all three of which are probably the same thing, you just have this intense gut-wrenching instinct that something has got to be amiss… Incontrovertibly so. Something was amiss.

Once, you accept something like that, life makes much more sense that it does usually. For example, you'll wonder back to that time when you thought you saw a ghost and your parents chided you for being so silly as to think ghosts exist well, in this more sensible reality, you realize that you were right and the adults were wrong. And lo! The children lead: One-nil.

So, there I was, god knows wherever there was, and I was feeling awfully awkward, not possessing a body of any definite form, shape and figure. Interestingly, it was a gloomy experience, contrary to what I had always imagined. Consequently, I had a very hard time remembering what it was that I had always imagined. One might think that if you always did something, you would mostly always remember it well. Not in this case, apparently. And so I went to lament and Worry. Worry only, actually, for sadly I had lost the power of lamentation.

So, I was walking through walls, I was distressing, and I was talking to myself- If there was any doubt prior to this that I was seriously mentally retarded, and now, not to mention physically, too, all of the little tiny doubtlets evaporated into little tiny certaintylets.

What was I to do? Jaded as I became, I thought to seek some entertainment. And entertainment I failed to find I sought out a suitable victim. Someone of a nasty demeanor; someone who should be spooked into good thinking. Stalking my prey, I crept upon him and thought back to all those silly horror films I had seen and realized that I was in the making of one, right now.

And so, I set about to materialize myself and scare the living nightlights out of him just when this shady figure entered into this world that I had pathetically come to inhabit, and upon whose entrance everything around me faded and I found myself in a very oceanic place. I stared about, utterly confused and feeling monumentally
bewildered, I asked, “What's this?”

I failed to hear my voice ring out, although, I was fairly sure that I had spoken. That fact was solidified when the shady figure, who was now not so shady, passively answered my question, “We, er… have to row through. Although, I have no idea whatsoever why you choose a sea. It's easier to row through a river than a sea, you know that. But, it was your choice.” With that, he gave me a pitiful smile that for some reason told me everything I needed to know which was that I was to… I was dead and I was to be accompanied by this man and see to my fate at the other end, were there to be one. Shrugging my shoulders I asked non-chalantly, “Where were you all this time? I was pretty scared, you know? I have my rights as a soul.” I said to the figure reproachfully, gaining confidence

And the reply came hesitantly, “I… that is to say that we didn't feel you were important enough to rush about for. And besides the other ferrymen had brought some clubs and bears. And… they had also brought... Elvis.” Said the now-not-so-shady-figure sheepishly, showing the first sign of emotion, and trying to evoke some sympathy from me.

For some seconds, I stared at him, at a loss for words and expression… For some more moments, I kept staring at him, still at a loss for words, but my face decided to express puzzlement. As time passed on slowly, and the figure shuffled his feet in embarrassment, as if awaiting a verdict, I still stared on, even though I was trying terribly hard not to do so. Finally, it all hit me. “I'm sorry for that. My mind had gone blank for some reason. Must be…” I motioned around me, shrugging, as the man nodded jovially. “When you put it like that, it's definitely alright. I mean Wow! Elvis.” I stretched my arms and slapped his back, “Okay, then, old chap. It seems we have a long journey ahead.” Our arms over the other's shoulder, we rowed towards the unknown ready to face any and all challenges life dares to throw at us… Make that whatever death would throw at us and I said, “Louis, my friend, or whatever your real name is, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

By SS Emil

Take me to your leader

The flying saucer had been hovering over Planet Earth for a good ten minutes, waiting to be noticed. Maybe because it was the size of a Frisbee, or resembled a heron, but whatever the reason, it was putting up a sorry show to be noticed. So, miffed and raring for revenge, the flying saucer descended on the planet. The descent, on the whole, was not very impressive. Neither were the pint-sized aliens that emerged from the heron-shaped, Frisbee-sized flying saucer.

They were a band of six, the aliens, all identically dressed in shiny silver jumpsuits. They wore thimble-like helmets, had almond eyes, enormous splayed fingers, and very tinny voices that made the hair at the back of your neck stand up. They walked with a bow-legged gait, and had a habit of rolling their head from side to side when they talked. On any regular day, such oddities would be noticed, but the aliens were small and inconspicuous. Planet Earthand its inhabitantsdidn't seem to give a damn about them.

The aliens marched up to the firs habitat they saw. A tall, faceless gray building, with boxes cut into the façade ('For ventilation,' one of the aliens remarked intelligently). They didn't see any earthlings, which was quite a disappointment. What was the point of an invasion if the people didn't even know they were being invaded?

So the aliens knocked on the nearest door, and waited.

After a few minutes of waiting and getting no answer, Leader of the Pack turned to face his crew and said, 'That's it. We're taking over this establishment.' He slipped through a crack. His crew followed.

They found themselves in a cavernous room, with walls cluttered with pictures and very little furniture. There seemed to be an assortment of machines around, lying helter-skelter, and remains of human food scattered on the floor. The Wise Alien looked around, pointed out things called a 'television', 'CD player', and a 'pc'. He showed them shiny flat discs called 'CDs', an oddly-shaped instrument called the 'guitar', and something long and oblong called a 'bed'.

But what the thing that was stretched out on the bed, he didn't know.

The thing on the bed waslong. It had hair on the top. And long limbs. Its eyesif it had eyeswere closed, and it was emitting a strange noise at regular intervals. The Wise Alien said that the Thing was probably 'snoring'.

'Is this an earthling?' Leader of the Pack asked no one in general.

The Thing grunted in its sleep and rolled over. It opened one eye, then the other, saw the aliens staring back, and muttered, 'Damn, I knew I was going to hallucinate.'

'You are not hallucinating, Earthling,' Wise Alien said, 'You have indeed been invaded by aliens.'

'Yeah, okay. I'm just, you know, going to go back to sleep now.'

'But we haven't even interrogated him yet!' Leader of the Pack hissed at the Wise Alien.

'But we haven't even interrogated you yet!' the Wise Alien hissed back at the Thing.

'So? What's stopping you? Interrogate away.'

'Right.' Leader of the Pack stepped up. 'Who are you, and what is your purpose?'

'Who am I?' the Thing chortled. 'I'm a guy. I'm seventeen years old, my life sucks, and my girlfriend just ditched me. I listen to death metal. I smoke, and occasionally do drugs. Sometimes, when I'm in the mood, I go to classes. Other times, I stay at home and do nothing in general.'

'And where do you get your shelter? And your sustenance?'

'If you mean food and clothes, well, that my parents give me. You could almost say it's free. As in, I don't have to pay for it.'

'So, you have no purpose?'

'Purpose? Yeaah… Not really, no.'

Leader of the Pack pushed aside the Wise Alien and drew level with the useless earthling. 'Who is your leader?'

'I don't have a leader.'

'You don't?'

'Of course not.' The useless earthling now opened his eyes wide, for the first time since the interrogation began, and said, 'Down with the establishment!'

'Is he calling for a demolition?' one of the aliens asked, befuddled.

'I don't know.'

Leader of the Pack was beginning to lose his patience. 'Who lords over your land, you useless earthling?'

'Eh? Lords over the land? The government, I suppose.'

'Ah! And who is this government?'

'People. People with lots of money. And power. And nice shiny cars.'

'And the leader of the government…?'

'Never saw him in my life.'

'Yet he lords over the land?'

'Yes.'

'This nameless, faceless entity of undisclosed fortune and powerand you've never seen him? Yet he controls the land, and the people, and everything on the land?'

The Earthling nodded. 'Yeah, that's pretty much it.'

Leader of the Pack looked at his crew. His crew looked back at him. The useless earthling looked at them all. His eyelids were beginning to droop again.

'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' Leader of the Pack hissed at the Wise Alien.

Wise Alien nodded wisely. 'All these untapped resources, this free human labor lying aroundbrainless gits like these just waiting to be controlledit's a goldmine.'

Leader nodded. His mind was made. He turned to the brainless git, smiled sinisterly and said, 'Excellent… I like the way things on your planet work, Earthling. Take me to your leader.'

By Hu