The week in re(ar)view

Too poor, too furious
Eid and Puja coincided with weekends to create one lovely stretch of holidays. While people took the chance to take a break, hardly anything in real life bothered to follow suit. Prices of goods (and 'bads' as well) did not take a break. They continued their ever increasing increase.

Jewellers are facing a slump in sales as the price of gold has reached the highest in 28 years. Even at this peak season for weddings and romantic liaisons, gold is not selling much.

Muggers on the streets are deeply saddened at this turn of events. When we went to interview them in this regard one mugger stated, “We are deeply saddened at this turn of events.” We promptly gave him all our valuables so that he would feel better. In return he removed the knife from below our throat and stabbed each of us just once.

With the soaring prices of gold, people planning to get married are looking for alternative items of similar value. Currently, food items are almost close to the price of what gold used to cost before.

Inflation rate on food items has increased in August, it stayed up through Ramadan as expected and went up further post-eid as unexpected.

You could possibly give new brides gallons of cooking oil and other food items as wedding gifts.

Money for your identity
ID cards to be issued along with voter listing has been on the cards for a long time now and finally things have been set in motion. But there is a catch. A person will have to pay fees to get permanent national ID cards.

According to the rules, a citizen will have to pay Tk 30 for a permanent paper-laminated card and Tk 40 for a copy of that card, Tk 250 for a plastic card and Tk 500 for a smart card--a small plastic card on which information is electronically stored.

What is of great interest is the phrase ‘smart card’. It conjures images of cards that can transform into everything. Considering our country and its culture, the smart card could come equipped with a torch light and mini-fan for load shedding situations. And it can be made of edible materials so it can be eaten up when the ID expires preventing any pollution from thrown away cards. Now that’s smart!

Officials involved said these rules will be formulated once the mandatory use of national ID card for getting services in 19 fields is made a law.

These cards will be required for things like getting a driving license, passport and jobs even. Registered voters will be given temporary national ID cards, which will be replaced by the permanent cards.

By Gokhra and Mood Dude

Disclaimer: the writer of this piece is insane after watching a number of typical bangle cinema.

1. It always rains when the heroine wears a semi see through white saree. Conversely, whenever it rains, the heroin wears a semi see through white saree and walks bare feet in the street.
2. The body mass index (BMI) of the actresses are a trivia, as heroes seem to be able to pull off death defying stunts of taking them in their lap without the slightest of problem.

3. Bad people (villains) always wear wigs.
4. Good people (heroes) always wear wigs.
5. Whenever the hero and the heroine are being romantic and hanging out in a park, there is almost always a score of dancers lying around to dance with the couple.

6. A hero can throw a villain or his pati gundas (pet goons) miles away with just one of his punches.
7. Heroes can take about a 100 bullets without having any visible scar or affecting their heroic performance in the face of near-impossible odds.

8. Jumping up or down 10 storey buildings is no problem at all.
9. The best medicine of snake bites is to send the victim away on a dinghy to some far away land.
10. In the end, everybody is always happy and reunited and married.

By Monty Python

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q: Did he kill you?
Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?
A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.

Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?
Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So, you were gone until you returned?
Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.

Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Dumbledore's “different"

The author who wrote what's possibly one of our most favourite series
of all time seems to have lost it. (That's, however, entirely my own
personal opinion.) In a book-touring event in New York, J.K. Rowling
announced amidst thousands of fans that Albus Dumbledore was gay and
in love with his rival Gellert Grindelwald.

She said this when she was asked by the fan if their Hogwarts
headmaster ever found true love. She added that he was "terribly let
down" when Grindelwald became fascinated with the dark arts and so he
went on to destroy him.

The two thousand fans who were present were initially stunned, but
according to BBC, they soon started clapping and cheering. J.K. said,
"I would have told you earlier if I knew it would make you so happy.”

I personally wish she hadn't added this bit about a wizard we all
looked up to with such reverence, even though he loved purple and put
glitters in his robe.

By Niloy
Source: BBC

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

Attention
Defendant: "Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer."
Judge: "And why is that?”
Defendant: "Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case."
Judge (to Public Defender): "Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?"

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor, what did you say? I wasn't listening.”