The week in re(ar)view
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah……the most intelligent things you will read in this magazine

Might is right. If you don't believe it then look at RAB. They will beat you until you believe it. RAB beat up a correspondent of the Daily Ajker Kagoj and ATN on October 21. The reason was that he asked them to move their vehicle which was blocking the road. However the Rab version of the story needs to be known as well because we journalists are so very coloured as professional. Remember the yellow ones among us.

We will, we will……………..ROB you
October 19, TI (Transparency International) is a Berlin based organization that does not have much to do so decides to find out which country is the most corrupt. So guess who became number one? It's none other than our beloved motherland Bangladesh. Not only that Bangladesh has won the dubious honour of being the most corrupt nation for the fifth time in a row. That's awesome! If we can keep up this winning streak for another five years we can make huge revenues by selling T-shirts with the slogan "A decade of excellence in the field of corruption". People love wearing ridiculous t-shirts and the money thus generated could eradicate the country's nagging poverty, crime and other related problems. Of course, then the money would have to be stolen by political party members so as to ensure that we continue our unbroken record of remaining corrupt for years to come. The downside is that the poor people remain miserable but that's' a small price to pay to be number one in something.

On a different note, Iceland became the least corrupt country. Here's where we let our Resident Conspiracy Theorist (RCT) earn some money to buy some much-needed toilet paper. He is starting to smell.

RCT: It's a scientific fact that cold slows down the metabolic rate hence slowing down any action. The people of Iceland are just as evil as Bangladeshis except that their weather is so cold that their evil thoughts cannot complete without freezing in mid-thought. Balmy Bangladeshi weather on the other hand is perfectly balmy to make people lazy and idle. Idle is the key word here. As the saying goes An idle mind is a devils dual processor, 2 gigabyte RAM equipped workstation.

In fact another theory states that the people of Ice land are in reality super evil and they come to Bangladesh where their brains thaw and start to formulate evilness. Of course, this theory is based on the blame game that our nation loves to play so well.

New Shishu Park with new name
23 October there was a picture on the cover of the main paper showing the name of the Shishu Park being changed to that of Shaheed Zia Shishu Park. And you thought the name game was over, eh? But we don't really care. What we care about is the bet that is going around in the office that the name will be soon changed to Father of the Nation Shishu Park as soon as the government changes hands. The amount of the bet has gone up to an astronomical amount of Taka 12.75. You see, we all know this name game will eventually happen so no one bothered to put in any real money. This amount was the accumulation of the coins given to us by beggars on the street when they found out how much us journalists are paid.

Ghostly voting
October 24, the 2001 voter list contains gross discrepancies. 64 lakh names are wrong while 27 lakh names have been omitted. According to our intelligent thought processes involving thinking hard for ten seconds, we figure there are 5 crore people who simply cannot be bothered to vote. There's the other 5 crore who cannot vote. Finally there are the remaining few who comprise of cows, politicians and other assorted creatures. So when election time comes who actually votes? Super intelligent moles? The wind in the willows? Ghosts? Our conspiracy theorist believes that the ballots are printed with the mark of the vote already in place.

By Mood Dude and Gokhra

Rib ticklers

1. What did the big chimney say to the small chimney?
-you're too young to smoke.
2. What did the chimney-sweep say to the little chimney?
-it soots me.
3. What did Hamlet say when he went into the public toilet?
-2p or not 2p that is the question.
4. What did they do when the Forth Bridge collapsed?
-built a fifth.
5. What did the electrician's wife say when he arrived home late?
-wire you insulate? (Why are you in so late?)
6. What has a neck but cannot swallow?
-A bottle.
7. What never asks questions but gets plenty of answers?
-A doorbell.
8. What part of the army can a baby join?
-The infantry.
9. What do snowmen dance at?
-A snowball.
10. What runs but never moves?
-A fence.
11. What's the most shocking city in the world?
-Electri-city.
12. What always walks with its head down?
-A nail in your shoe.
13. What goes up and down but never moves?
-Stairs.
14. What kind of bow is impossible to tie?
-A rainbow.
15. What gets lost every time you stand up?
-Your lap.
16. What sort of robbery is the easiest?
-A safe robbery.
17. What prize did the man who invented doorknockers win?
-The Nobel Prize. (The no bell prize)
18. What's higher than an admiral?
-His hat.
19. What is always coming but never arrives?
-Tomorrow
20. What grows bigger the more you take from it?
-A hole.
21. What's the only business you can see through?
-Window-cleaning.
22. What does the sea say to the sand?
-Nothing, it just waves.
23. What can fall on water without getting wet?
-A shadow.
24. What would you do if you swallowed a light bulb?
-Use a candle.
25. What's got teeth but can't bite?
-A comb.
26. What's the best system of book-keeping?
-Never lend them.
27. What's the best way to keep water out of the house?
-Don't pay the water rates.
28. What do you call a building with lots of storeys?
-A library.
29. What's the last thing you take of before you go to bed?
-Your feet off the floor.
30. What's the difference between a sailor and a bargain shopper?
-One goes to sail the seas, the other to see the sales.
31. What's the difference between a plane and a tree?
-One leaves its shed and the other sheds its leaves.
32. What's the difference between a postage stamp and a girl?
-One is a mail fee and the other a female.
33. What's the difference between a thief and a church bell?
-One steals from the people and the other peals from the steeple.
34. What's the cure for water on the brain?
-A tap on the head.
35. What's the difference between a mad king and a street?
-One tosses crowns and the other crosses town.
36. What's the difference between a sigh, a motor car and a monkey?
-A sigh is oh dear.
A car is too dear.
A monkey is you, dear.

By Tausif Ahmad

Trivia

Which planet has all it moons named after characters in plays written by William Shakespeare?
What were the names of the four sisters in Louisa May Alcott's novel 'Little Women'?
Which is the nearest star to the solar system?
Which English bowler was hit for six sixes in one over by Sir Garfield Sobers?
In which year was the first Olympic Games held?
What is the capital city of Morocco?
Which is the smallest known insect in the world?
Which famous novel did the sister of the author of 'Jane Eyre' and 'Villette' write?
Mesopotamia, the oldest civilization in the world, is which present day country?
Which five countries make up Scandinavia?
Answers:
1.Uranus
2. Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy
3. Proxima Centauri
4. Malcolm Nash
5.776 BC
6. Rabat
7. The feather-winged beetle
8.Wuthering Heights
9.Iraq
Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Norway and Iceland
If you answered:
0-2 questions: trivia is definitely not your thing
3-5 questions: a commendable amount of erudition in trivia
6-8 questions: Evidently, you possess quite a lot of general knowledge
9-10 questions: An absolute genius, without a doubt!

By Bushra Sameeha Anwar

Halloween jokes

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Why don't skeletons go out on the town?
Because they have no body to go out with...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead end streets ...
What does daddy ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

By Spooky Crook