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| Volume 11 |Issue 51| December 28, 2012 | |
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Cover Story 13 GOING ON 30 ANIKA HOSSAIN Names of some individuals mentioned in this article have been changed to protect their privacy (and lives). Dr Dukhi Mohfiz was tired of his life in Bongoland. He was tired of being stuck in traffic, on polluted broken roads for hours just to get to work, which really wasn't worth it because he wasn't paid very well. He was tired of all the poverty and corruption around him and political tension between the two rival queens and the impact this had on his daily life and work. He began to believe that Bongoland had no future. He was going into a deep depression, but being the brilliant scientist that he is, he couldn't allow this to happen. He needed to restore his faith in the world again. As Dr Mohfiz didn't believe in crystal balls that could give him a glimpse of the future, he relied on science to find a solution. After years of hard work, he built himself a time machine that would transport him into the future, so he could see for himself, if he and his future generations had anything left to look forward to. After several successful test-runs using rodents and malnourished primates (from old D-Town), Mohfiz decided to give it a whirl himself. He was hoping to get to the year 3000, but quite predictably, his electrical engineer Bablu, had stolen the knob that could perform that function and replaced it with a cheaper version, so after travelling a bit slower than light for about thirty seconds, Mohfiz only managed to make it to the year 2030, but he wasn't disappointed...
All of a sudden, everything looked dark inside the tiny machine, but as his eyes adjusted to the lighting, he realised that everything seemed to have a bluish tint. When a claustrophobic Mohfiz rushed to the door and jerked it open, he was in for a surprise. Water gushed inside, knocking him off his feet. As he swam out, he realised, his time machine was under water, on an ocean bed (or so it seemed). Confused and cursing Bablu, Mohfiz decided to explore and possibly get help. As he swam on, he realised that the ocean-scape looked quite familiar. Soon, he came across what looked like a sunken boat turned upside down. Upon closer inspection, he noticed it had a door and windows. Finding it difficult to hold his breath under water for so long, he frantically knocked on the strange looking door. The door was answered by a man dressed in a lungi and sando genji with what seemed to be an endlessly long bamboo tube in his mouth that Mohfiz guessed was helping him breathe under water. The man, using sign language (that Mohfiz was familiar with as he had used it to communicate with his primates) asked him what he wanted. Mohfiz quickly explained that he wasn't from the area and needed a tube to breathe. The helpful man, whose name was Sentu Mia as Mohfiz learned later, invited him in and provided him with a breathing tube and refreshment. Mohfiz learned from Sentu that he had indeed travelled to Bongoland in the future, and that he was in the outskirts of D-Town (D standing for “drowned” in the year 2030). A fascinated Mohfiz learned that Sentu's ancestors used to be farmers, but sometime in 2015 (at a rescheduled date for the apocalypse) the world as they knew it, came to an end (apparently the meaning of apocalypse had been misunderstood). As Queen Shaksina was about to announce the progress towards the achievement of all the millennium development goals, a giant flood caused a rise in the sea levels, drowning most of Bongoland. Fortunately, the citizens of Bongoland, lived up to their reputation for being the most resilient people in the world, and 99.99 percent survived the flood, adjusting very quickly to life underwater. Parts of the land had broken away and were now independent islands, but for the most part, the country remained intact. Sentu took out the new map of Bongoland (now the country of oceans) for Mohfiz to inspect. Farming communities like the one Sentu's father belonged to, discovered that although agriculture was impossible underwater, they were now living just above a large reserve of oil and all they had to do to get to it was dig a little. So all the farmers converted their fields into mini oil mines, and within a year, Bongoland had dug up so much oil, the Middle East (especially the OPAQUE countries) started buying oil from them. The US too, started taking great interest in Bongoland and now depended on them for their oil reserves. Mohfiz looked around Sentu's humble abode and wondered why his standard of living had not improved considering he was earning at least ten times more than his forefathers. Guessing his thoughts Sentu explained that the government was currently charging 85 percent tax (30 percent legal and 55 percent under the table to keep their oil mines running) on everyone's income to continue their efforts to digitalise the country more and the rest of the money went toward equipment and overhead costs.
Speaking of old habits, the scientist also noticed that the traffic situation hadn't improved much in D-Town, submarines of all shapes, sizes and states of disrepair had replaced cars, buses and CNGs of ancient times. The rickshaws and thela garis (push carts) were not exactly replaced, but propellers were added to help them move under water. The ‘roads’ were still highly congested, and people were still hanging from the tops of submarines, either to get to places or just for the heck of it. The much awaited Metro Rail had been converted to the Metro Submarine, but was not very well maintained, according to Shukhi, who was happily updating Mohfiz on the current news. The notorious P-Bridge hadn't yet been completed, but unlike the government of Bongoland, the Planet Bank hadn't given up on it yet, and obsessively hoped to make it a historical site once it was done as they had invested so much money in it already. Shukhi also informed Mohfiz that Bongoland had become the largest hydro-electricity producing country in the world. The garments industry was no longer the most successful enterprise in Bongoland, the oxygen tanks, masks and scuba diving gear producing factories had taken its place sometime around 2016. It appeared to Mohfiz, that oxygen tanks and masks were available to the privileged few riding in the flashier looking submarines. The rest of the commoners seemed to be making do with the long bamboo tubes (much like the ones he and Shukhi were sporting) which were available around every street corner. Some things never change, thought Mohfiz to himself. The fishing industry, he learned, was also booming. Marine Biology, Oceanography and Study of the Adaptability of Underwater Species and Fisheries and Sea-Stock were now popular fields of study among the youth. But some things do change, he realised as they rode on an improvised rickshaw past what looked like a giant castle resembling one he had seen in the Disney movie, “The Little Mermaid.” Shukhi noticed his amazement and explained that this was built by Queen Dolly Bee, to be her new home, shortly after the country went under water. Dolly Bee had always dreamt of residing in Altantica and living the life of the little mermaid, so she dyed her hair bright red and built herself a palace of gold and was always seen wearing green and purple chiffons and real ocean pearls. Queen Shaksina, who was always afraid of water, built herself a waterproof fort, complete with an abundant supply of oxygen, pressure and temperature adjusted rooms and was never seen in public again. Mohfiz stared in awe at the formidable looking concrete building, called the “Supreme Father Family Home,” on the opposite side of the road. Shukhi went on to explain that The Daughter's League and The Wife's Association were still the leading political parties of the country, alternating their reign every four years. Although Queen Shaksina and Dolly Bee had finally retired a few years ago due to senescence and some other psychological issues, their sons Prince Bhoy and Prince Trek had taken over the reins and frequently received advice from their respective mothers' holograms. At times, Queen Shaksina and Queen Dolly Bee's holograms would have vicious arguments over who used to be the better queen and these were telecasted countrywide. A rumour (quite disturbing) had it that the princes were preserving their mothers' DNA to have them cloned as soon as human cloning was declared safe (not necessarily legal). General HM Borbad, of the Dictator's Party had managed to outlive everyone, to no one's surprise, Shukhi further informed Mohfiz. He had given up his political career a while ago however and was now a converted Buddhist (not everyone was convinced) living on a tip of the Himalayas, literally, like you could see him sitting on the tip that peeks out from under water. The (extreme) Leftist politicians now occupied and ruled a small island (2 sq ft) of the country and seemed quite content. The extreme right parties refused to leave the mainland and continued to be strong allies of the Wife's Association. Mohfiz noticed that there were very few Police or Rabid Knights on the streets. Shukhi informed him that this was due to the reduced rate of crime in D-Town. “It's slower to swim away so the mob always got hold of the criminals before they could get too far,” said Shukhi. The police and Rabid Knights were now assigned by Prince Bhoy to stand guard near the Port-Town Hill Tracts, and pull down into the water, any indigenous people (and Dr Nobel who now lives with them) they could get their hands on (and claim these were accidents if questioned). Bhoy believed the only reason these adivasis were able to live above water level was because of the Shanti Treaty signed by his mother. “What about Hartals?” asked a dumbfounded Mohfiz, “Does that still happen? Who controls the crowd?” Hartals, of course did still happen, that is one thing that remained constant (other than General Borbad) through all these changes, but since picketers could no longer set fire and submarines were too strong to break with sticks (that too under water), the hartals had now become digitalised. The opposition successfully used the tax payers' money that they saved (stole) during their reign, to come up with vicious viruses that when released, could infect everyone's computers if they used them on a hartal day. Since all business transactions were now digitalised, the entire country would come to a standstill just like they did in the past during hartals. Student cadres were now trained in computer science and development of unique viruses.
Mohfiz's mind was reeling with all these new developments, when he noticed a strange looking creature swim by on the highway. Its head was like that of a Royal Bengal Tiger and its body like a seal's (tiger seals). In amazement he realised that the tigers had evolved to adapt to their new environment! They were still being hunted and smuggled out of the country even more though, informed Shukhi, adding that the deer in the Sundarbans had evolved into spotted sea horses and most other animals just sprouted tails and fins. The trees in the Sundarbans had also survived and adapted to their new environment. As Mohfiz entered the town library, he was excited to learn about what became of his time machine invention in the years that followed. When he googled his name on a futuristic looking computer, to his amazement, thousands of hits popped up. He discovered that he had written a book about his travels upon his return to 2013, and tried to convince local authorities that his time machine was functioning and warn them against the inevitable drowning of the nation. News articles showed that the politicians had brushed him aside and called him delusional, but there were people who had taken him seriously and started to prepare for the flood. When his predictions came true, the Noble Association awarded him the Peace-bringing Medal, the highest honour one can ever achieve. Things seemed to go downhill for him from then on. Queen Shaksina, who was nominated for the Peace-bringing Medal that same year for her Shanti Model, was devastated and seemed to have unleashed her wrath upon him. He had soon replaced Dr Noble as “Undesirable Number One” in Bongoland. A standing warrant seemed to be out for his arrest for a number of outrageous crimes including public exhibitionism, since his disappearance from the country in 2020. Mohfiz shuddered as he read accounts of his persecution and decided it was time for him to return home. He journeyed back to his time machine (hiding behind Shukhi) and said his goodbyes to Bongoland of 2030. Upon his return back to the present, he destroyed his time-machine and all his research as quickly as possible and kept his experience to himself. Bongolandites would be just fine without his warnings; they were after all the most resilient people in the world. This account of his journey to 2030 was discovered when the Star team was tipped off by an anonymous informant who emailed a file from Mohfiz's computer which he claimed to have “come across randomly.” The file was titled “I'll never tell.” Mohfiz is currently absconding and therefore unavailable for quotes or comment.
AWARDS- 2012 Tamanna Khan Year ends are usually marked by a plethora of awards announced by publications, research bodies and many other organisations that want to put up their names in large letters on banners and billboards. Any business graduate will tell you that this is just another promotional strategy. the Star brings to you news of many such organisations preparing to confer awards to people with remarkable achievements in their respective fields in the year 2012.
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Soraya Auer Constable Durniti Grostho I came to the capital five years ago because my ideas, plans and aspirations were too big for where I grew up. People's pockets weren't big enough to fill all of our family's coffers so I needed to step things up a bit. I guess you could say I wanted to join the big leagues. No, not the Rabid Knights; you'll be surprised how much work they're expected to do. There are so many of us police in D-Town and we're not as conspicuous as the Rabid Knights, we can go anywhere, hassle or help as we see fit. The only time I have to stretch my legs is when we've got to set straight those silly boys who roam the streets smashing vehicles and brandishing weapons. I tell them, that's my job! I can spend most of my days visiting tea stalls and taking commissions from businesses I support along the roadsides. I only have to stay put when I'm on duty at a check point. As annoying as that task is, I take great pleasure in questioning young couples in cars and CNGs. Oh to see them squirm! On hartal days I guess I could refrain using the force I have been known to use against those hooligans. I really need to take it easy on my shoulder muscles. A professional goal I could set this year? Actually I think it's about time I got promoted for my good work. Moila Wallah I have been doing so for many years. Don't tell anyone but she can be quite wasteful at times. She goes through hairsprays like candy. And I would know – there are a lot more cans than sweet wrappers. The next most frequent item Dolly Bee disposes of is make-up. Sometimes it's not because the jar or palate is finished but rather because she's broken the brush that goes with it. When that happens, I'm very eco-friendly and gift the items to my wife, daughters and mother-in-law. They take great pride in sharing with someone as famous and respectable as our former queen. But I have to be honest, I've noticed with every year an increase in everything cosmetic. I'm a humble man, with no great expectations in life, but someone from my village advised me to consider making a business out of what is thrown away, ji like an eco-enterprise, and I am hopeful this will be my way out of poverty. I was told many people buy and sell the used possessions of celebrities all over the world. That singer who became forsha, Mokkel Jacksun, and Maradona apa, their possessions are always sold regardless of how useful. So I'm thinking this is the best course of action for my next year. My wife doesn't cook any better despite me giving her these things for free so really, I ought to make some money from it. It's what Queen Dolly Bee would want for a citizen like me, no?
Accha, you want to know what my priorities for 2013 are. I admire boss greatly so I aspire to be more like him. You know, like an action hero for fashion. My target is to achieve a body like his, because when I watch his films in the cinema halls, I hear hundreds of girls giggle with excitement and inappropriate thoughts and while I don't expect to see myself on the big screen, I wouldn't mind making a couple of ladies swoon in real life at least. I am also an ambitious man in my work and I hope to start a few trends in the country, like bringing back satin, nylon and velvet into people's wardrobes. As the most famous dress designer of the country, I think this will lead to me receiving a fashion award from the queen in power, like the export award AJ won for his business work. He said he was not a small man because of it, and neither will I be if I win nationwide recognition.
I promise this desire is not out of any need for financial gain. I just think Tan needs his real friends around him at this difficult time and since I was there when he fell over and scraped his knees, I should be there for the aftermath of him being caught with his hand in the cookie jar; that is all. If I can help him in any way as a good friend, whether it is to keep an eye on his household affairs or offshore accounts, that is what I will do.
Mokkarunnesa Chowdhury Maycup This year, a lot of my goals are personal and in light of external forces. Considering the financial crisis, I really ought to lower my spending. No more than 50 saris imported privately from India a year, and I should limit my monthly expenditure to 25 lakh taka. Three trips a year to New York is restraint, don't you think? It's also important to me to reform my persona in society. I am too kind and friendly a person to say anything directly to these people's faces, however, I feel my generosity and friendship has been taken for granted one too many times. Henceforth I will no longer include certain ladies in my society lunches and I will probably advise my husband to keep an arm's length distance from said certain ladies' husbands too. It really is for their own good. The last resolution I will share with you is my desire to rediscover my cultural and intellectual roots. There were some wonderful musical and literary events this year which I unfortunately missed due to a last minute shopping trip to Paris. I don't want to feel like I've missed out on the greatest events in the social calendar for a second year running (people might forget me otherwise) so it's best I hire an attractive male assistant to ensure my appointments are ordered and that I'm suitably accompanied by eye candy.
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Mohfiz decided he wanted to explore further so he requested Sentu's son Besh Shukhi, a student at the University of D-Town, to give him a tour of the city. As they swam their way into the city, Mohfiz noticed that the high rises were still there, ornamented with shells and seaweed. It was quite pleasant to see the roads clean, the citizens were still littering everywhere, but the dirt was instantly being washed away by the currents. Even the slums, which seemed to accommodate the city's obviously quadrupled population, looked squeaky clean. The smells unfortunately, were still there (and even more overpowering) as people still hadn't learned to use the public toilets that were now available to them. Old habits die hard, thought Mohfiz to himself.
1. A Bull Hossain – The Patriot
2. Queen Dolly Bee – Mother of All Mothers
3. Padma Moshi – Ticket to Gulag
4. Prince Cocoa – The Best Client
5. Mal Moo Hit- Slumdog millionaire
6. Dr Mode-asar Lee – Nominated for the 'Hall of fame for Great Gopals'
7. Chur-onjeet Sin Gupta – Black Cat
8. General (retard) HM Borbad – Evergreen Romeo
9. Boka Blame-gir – Paul the Octopus Memorial award
10. The AJ – FAFA award for Best actor in a comedy role
11. Didi Ma Mata Energy – River Goddess 
12. Bongoland Pull Leash Force – The F-Team
With 2012 coming to an end,
the Star approached Bongoland
citizens of different class and
Could I get a copy of this interview after it is printed? What is my personal goal for next year? I've never been interviewed by the press before and even though it'll be in English and no one I know will understand a word, it'll make my acquaintances jealous, I'm sure. You say I can be quite honest with you because no one I know will understand what I've said? Yes, I guess you're right. I actually think you will find me a most interesting person – I collect the rubbish of our most celebrated Queen Dolly Bee.
Phulbabu Dorji 
Danda Moznu
Habul Mia
Duronto Bari Kha
Oh the number of times I have made myself a New Year's resolution list and not followed –ouff it's ghastly. Life is so hard to manage as it is without bearing in mind a list that is too ambitious to begin with. What sorts of things have I had as resolutions? Well over the years I've had obvious ones like learning a new language, losing a certain amount of weight, and giving up smoking.