The Bangladeshi Inquisition

Questions Bangladeshis can't help themselves but ask

Soraya Auer

I am 23 years old. People abroad are shocked that I haven't got a driving licence yet. People in Bangladesh are shocked that I haven't had a marriage proposal yet.

At a family gathering recently, an aunt caught my eye to say, “Soraya! Good to see you. How are you?”

“I'm fine, thanks. How are you auntie?”
“Great, great,” she says, salivating at the opportunity to pose the next question. “So do you have a boyfriend?”

“Erm no, I don't...”
My aunt is intrigued, “Why not? Tumi ekta banao na keno? (Why don't you make one?)”

I respond, wondering if she really believes boyfriends can be made of dough like gingerbread men, “Er, um, ah, well...because?”

“Don't worry,” my relative reassures me. “It's wedding season. I'll ask my neighbour's mother-in-law to find you a suitable match – just avoid going in the sun, we don't want you getting any darker.”

My mind wanders as I imagine myself installed in a UV protected display cabinet, while my aunt's neighbour's mother-in-law calls out “Aije ekhane dekho (look over here)! Ripe young girl – imported straight from the UK! Free range and organic!” Prospective mothers-in-law, like sniffer dogs, smell the crisp paper of my foreign passport and approach with their obedient sons in tow. One woman holding the sticky hand of a nine-year-old boy says, “She's a bit tall for my little prince.” In my daydream, I raise my hand to object to the child-groom but my matchmaker responds quickly, “That won't be a problem ma'am; we can trim her down before delivery.” I lower my hand, resigned to my fate.

My aunt loses interest in engaging me in an intellectual conversation as she soon spots another victim at the party to unleash unrestrained and tactless questioning upon. She cries out to a woman across the room, “Array! What happened, how come you're so dark and fat now? And your husband, he's balding!”

I'm glad single women are not the only ones subjected to scrutiny, but there are times when being curious and nosey just becomes outright rude and insensitive. One such instance is a friend's grandmother, who greeted a visiting couple by saying “Eh, married two years and no children?” Without thinking she then asked, “Why not? Which one of you has the problem?”

My neighbour Samira however says she can forgive insensitivity. What makes her uncomfortable is how people want to measure and compare wealth. “I've been asked about my husband's salary very publicly,” she says, as I myself resist asking how much he earns. “They also compliment my outfit only to ask how much it cost me.”

I've been quick to highlight how women pose probing questions, but the truth is, Bangladeshi men are no better at asking appropriate questions, and are even less capable at understanding the answers. Enter stage left: persistent, staring, single Bangladeshi men. When dealing with this specific type of man, a woman is easily caught in a catch-22. It doesn't matter what she says or does, be it a moment of eye contact or an outright rejection, he will forever translate any communication into “Yes, I am now your girlfriend.” Whether they genuinely believe a glance in their direction is a green light or are just trying their luck, we'll sadly never know. It is, however, not an exaggeration of men's actions.

Other men, who don't preoccupy themselves with chasing girls, spend a great deal of time together talking in rooms. I am, of course, referring to the seminars, workshops and lectures held daily across the country, be it in living rooms, offices or universities. Significant issues like 'how to organise the next session' or 'how to speak up to your wife' are currently hot favourites.

With a nation so passionate about talking – whether it's in the home, the street, or the seminar room – there must be something in the water. And with around 150 million people in Bangladesh, it would be hard to avoid the naturally curious and chatty people. On the plus side though, if you've been waiting too long a time for a qualified medical opinion at the doctor's surgery, don't worry, just turn to the person next to you and they will not hesitate to offer you a diagnosis based on your symptoms, marital status, household income and the activities of your family's black sheep.

I jest about how nosey Bangladeshis can be now, but don't worry; I am under no illusions as to what my part is in this culture of curiosity. It is only a matter of time before I find myself asking a niece of my own whether she's made herself a boyfriend out of dough.

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