Write to Mita

Dear Mita
I am a 24-year-old woman. Since my childhood and since I can remember, I always wanted to be a guy. I used to dress up like boys, I used to play football with the guys in the neighbourhood instead of playing with my dolls. During my teenage years, I really started hating being a girl; not just because of the physical trauma I had to go through, but also because of the discriminatory behaviour I received from the society. As I grew older, my problem became more and more severe. Nowadays I don't find anything in common with my female friends; hence I am closer to my male friends, which is always conceived in a wrong way by most people. I prefer watching a football match or going go-carting with the guys rather than going shopping. I am facing all sorts of social problems now, from my family, colleagues, and girlfriends of my male friends, basically almost everyone. I even thought of having a sex-change operation but that seems impossible for my social and economic position. My life is becoming intolerable, please suggest something that will make my life less complicated.
Shemale

Dear Shemale,
This is a very common phenomenon in a society where male preference is strong. In psychoanalysis this is called “penis envy” meaning, female long to have all the physical and mental attributes of males. Having said this, women have come a long way to shrug this negative image and emerge as confident and self-assured in their roles of womanhood. You must make an effort to first understand and then value what it means to be a woman. Unless you learn to respect what you are, you cannot expect society to do the same. It is fine to watch football, go carting and not go shopping, but it is not ok to under value all the things that women do such as housework, taking care of children and shopping. Please address your situation psychologically and intellectually. There is no need to have a sex change operation, there is nothing wrong with you at all, you just have to build your self-esteem and confidence as a person and as a woman because that is what you are.

Dear Mita
I am a 30-year-old woman who just got into a relationship with a 25 year old man. It has been four months since we started seeing each other and my family really wants me to marry him. Although I am not opposed to the idea, in fact, I always wanted to marry early, he is nowhere near ready to get settled. He says he needs time to establish himself and his family feels that he is too young to marry me. My age of course is an issue as well. I don't want to push him to do something he isn't ready for, but I want to make my family happy and want to start a family of my own. After all, I am not getting any younger. Please advice me as to whether I should keep trying to talk to him about it or just tell my family to wait. Also, I'm scared that if the relationship doesn't work out, my family will say I wasted time and will be too old to have an arranged marriage. What should I do?
Getting Old.

Dear Getting Old,
I agree that you should not push him to marry you when he is not ready for it, at the same time, there should be a time frame of when he will be ready. Marriage is a big responsibility and you have to make sure that he is willing to take it, if not now then when. Your family will understand once you explain to them how serious you are about this person. They also must feel secure that this relationship will culminate in marriage at some point. The fundamental question is not about your age or his age, but whether you are absolutely sure, he is the right person for you. If you are sure then he is certainly worth the wait.

Dear Mita,
I am a 26-year-old woman, who tends to befriend a wide variety of people. People have come to me all my life with all kinds of problems and I have always tried to be a good friend to them. Recently, one such friend, who is now married and expecting a child has come to me and told me he used to like me a few years ago and still has unresolved feelings for me. He also said he sometimes regrets getting married to his wife and wonders what it would be like if he had married me. This was really disturbing for me and it made me wonder if I had said or done something to bring this on. Please tell me how I should handle this situation.
Shocked

Dear Shocked,
First, please don't blame yourself for the confusion in the mind of another person. If he has unresolved feelings about you then that is his problem. He should have thought about it before he married someone else. Don't give this matter undue importance, just stay cool and distance yourself from him. Who knows he might be having some tension at home and is now having all kind of regrets. It is best not to get involved, let him resolve it himself. Perhaps this is a temporary phase and he will get over it.