Admittedly, he did have the excuse of surgery on a shoulder injury, but normally in these cases the senior player's head is cack-handedly superimposed onto the body of an unsuspecting youth team sprog.

It is not clear who may have been suckered into buying the gaffe-prone defender, but if Titus Bramble can find a Premiership club, so can Silvestre.

Speaking of defensively suspect, is that Brazilian sheep in wolf's clothing Edmilson winging his way to Newcastle?

Perhaps not - the free transfer looks set to stall over the Barcelona man's exorbitant wage demands and his dodgy knees, which kept him out for six months last season.

Transfer Talk knew Edmilson was dodgy the moment he left his post at the back to roam forward and score an overhead kick against Costa Rica in the 2002 World Cup.

Not content to splurge £27 million on Fernando Torres, Liverpool want yet another Spanish tutor for Jamie Carragher.

This time it is Gabriel Heinze, who had looked like joining Real Madrid after falling out of favour at Manchester United.

The Argentinian hard man would do well to note that Madrid's steak restaurants are vastly superior to Liverpool's, but it may not matter if Rafa Benitez waves £6 million in front of the Glazers.

He really is the man who puts the 'El' in AnfiELd. Amazing that hasn't caught on...The same could probably said of Benitez's new goatee beard. It is the kind of thing that can only happen when a man goes on a family holiday, aware from the scathing put-downs of his co-workers.

On of Saturday's papers said it makes him looks like a Conquistador. Transfer Talk would probably settle for 'pillock'.

It will be gone within a week, giving it much in common with Craig Bellamy, whose Anfield welcome has been well and truly worn out.

The Reds have slapped a big 'half price' sticker on the Welshman, who will be West Ham, Aston Villa or Blackburn's for a knockdown £6 million.

What else, what else? Well, Aston Villa are ready to shove £10 million Chelsea's way if they can have dressing-room ornament Shaun Wright-Phillips.

West Ham will roll the dice on Tottenham's moody Egyptian target man Mido, while Middlesbrough will have to shell out a whacking £4 million for AZ Alkmaar's Gretar Steinsson (who he?).

Oh, and Manchester United are going to buy Carlos Tevez. Only they aren't really.